Hugs

Honestly, I have a crap ton of stuff I guess I need to say, but I really don't want to rant about everything right now, so here's one thing that's been bothering for a while.

So, as the title says 'Hugs'. They're great things, huh? Yeah, well, I think so too. Except I don't think other people realize that. Especially a few of my friends. (in all actuality it's probably one, but I refuse to say names). And I feel this way because I see them hugging other people all the time. And we're pretty good friends, and they've hugged me a total of 15ish times. (just throwing out a guess there, but it may be lower or higher, but probably lower). And for most people this wouldn't be a big deal I guess. But, for some reason it just really bothers me. And I hate it. Yeah, I know I could ask for hugs, but I HATE asking for things. I don't know, I'm Mr. Stereotypical Guy when it comes to asking for things/help. I guess that may be my problem, but I'm pretty sure it isn't. I don't know. I just hate how lonely/left out I feel when I see my friends hugging people, and I'm just standing by myself trying to stay outwardly nonchalant. It freaking sucks.

Things

So, yesterday was Snowball, and honestly it was the most fun I've had at a dance ever. I went with Kristianna, and it was just super duper fun :) it was quite a good last dance to go too :) and if anyone ever reads this, I hope you don't misinterpret this as me asking for people to ask me to girl choice dances, because that's not what I'm doing. I'm just nearly positive that I won't be going to another dance this year. Because two out of the three remaining dances are girl choice dances. And since my range of friends of the opposite gender is rather limited, I'm fairly certain I won't get asked to either Sweethearts or Morp. And I'm pretty sure I won't be asking anybody to Prom this year, so Snowball was probably my last dance. And it was a great last one :) that's all :)

Summer, life, things in general

So, since school is about to start, I figure I might as well talk about my summer. And keeping in pattern with my previous posts, I'm going to be pretty blatant, I guess is the best way to say it. I'm going to speak my opinions plainly, because I have no fear of people actually reading this because I'm super awesome and people don't care about me. Kind of an oxymoron I know. But still, that's how these things work.

So, really all I did this summer comes down to 3 or 4 things. 1) I did marching band 2) I had a Biology 1090 class 3) I sat at home all day super bored. Number four is a sometimes thing, that happened on rare occasions, and it was I hung out with friends. Which usually came down to playing magic the gathering for a few hours. It was a super fun summer, let me tell you. And you know, I questioned a lot of things. Like how true my friendships are. Because, it seems to me that the people I call friends are more like school friends than true friends. They're people that you see once in awhile, someone you talk to once in awhile, and that's it. You don't really do anything with them. That's all fine and dandy, because I'm super lame and can never think of anything to say/do, but how do you think I got that way? Because I never do anything with people. Or you know, I just lucked out with my cup from the gene pool and I got a large mesh of socially awkward genes. Which is probably the more likely case. But nevertheless, it kind of super sucks.

One thing I have learned this summer is that I kinda super duper suck and conversations. My mind just goes blank (which isn't hard for it to happen) and I have no idea what to say to continue conversation. It sucks, because sometimes I just need that human contact, and I have absolutely nothing to say, so the conversation just dies.

One thing I've pondered as I've tried to figure out what is wrong with me is maybe some parts of my personality matured to fast while others didn't mature fast enough, and that's why I can't seem to feel like I fit in. Maybe that's how it is with teenagers in general, but maybe parts of my personality went opposite than normal people went. Who knows? Not I. Something to think about I guess.

May I just say, sometimes girls, and people in general I guess, are more trouble than they're worth? Especially when they don't care about you, and your mind is flooded with them, despite how much you try to stop it? Yeah, it kinda sucks, especially when you're a super awkward socially retarded average kid like me. Oh the joys of life.

Alone

I'm done caring about hurting other people with the truth of how I feel. I feel abandoned. I feel alone. Yeah, most of the time I feel like I have no friends. Maybe it's true. Who knows. But, what I do know is people don't want to/like to do stuff with me. They don't want to talk to me either. Maybe it's for the best. But it's good practice for when I'm older and definitely won't be doing anything. But still. Is it right that I should feel this way? Probably not. Is it right that basically my friendships are one sided? Probably not. Is it right that I'm a baby with no initiative? Probably not. But you know what? Whatever. It doesn't matter. Nothing does. Because nothing lasts. Nothing will, except for our legacy. So whatever. I'm just a whinny butt face. You know, this is probably why I have no friends. Because I complain all the flipping time. I'm so freaking stupid. Yay for being an idiot. Yay for being a freaking loner that has no friends. Yay for feeling like crap.

Time to talk

So, I guess I haven't done this in awhile. But I feel like there's a lot of things I need to say, so this is going to be a giant rant of sorts, kinda sorta.

So schools over, and I'm not going to lie, I kinda really miss my friends- especially the ones that graduated. Because of marching band, I get to see most of my friends, but the seniors who graduated aren't there anymore and it's really weird, and I hate that they're not there, but I'll need to learn to deal with it.

One thing that really holds me back from talking to people is I convince myself that whoever I want to/ am considering talking to doesn't want to talk to me, so I don't try. I hate that I do it, but I do it all the time, and I don't think I will ever be able to stop.

There's more things I could talk about I guess, but I don't really want to say names, and the other thing that I could talk about I'm starting to get over, so talking about it would probably reopen the wounds, so whatever.

You know what's great? I haven't done this is so log that nobody's going to read this, just like at the beginning :) haha. Oh well, it's for the best I guess.

Things of truth

I don't know why I have do much hope of Briana liking me. Because I know it's basically impossible for her to like me. Forget that I'm unattractive, that I'm socially awkward, and that I'm kind of a douche bag. For someone to love me, like me, whatever, I have to first love/like myself. You can't love someone that doesn't like them self. That's the way of things. And since I'm not sure whether or not I like myself yet, because I haven't in the past. And since I'm not sure, that means I don't like myself, and so it's nigh impossible for Briana, or anyone else for that matter, to "like" me. Which kinda makes it harder for me to like myself, because the fact that no one has/does/will hurts my self esteem which makes it harder for me to appreciate myself. I know these things really don't matter right now, and that I shouldn't let them bother me, but they matter to me(for some stupid reason) and it does bother me. I guess that's all that I wanted/needed to say.

Disappear

Im such a whiny baby. Just warning you now.

I wish people proved to me they actually cared. I know in a stupid idiot. But I'd rather you tell me you don't care than to pretend like you do. I really do think you just act like you care about every once in awhile because you're too nice to tell me the truth. The truth that you don't like me, you find me annoying, and that I would just leave you alone.

I just want to disappear. I want to run away from here. Be alone with no contact. Just to sheet away from everything and/or everyone. Maybe subconsciously to see who cares. Cause I feel like its next to none.

I just want someone to love, someone who loves me. Yeah, I know it's never gonna happen cause I'm a butt ugly person named Garrett, but one can wish...

I dont have a witty title…

…because I'm lame :\

First of all I'm sorry for posting so much crap… not that anyone cares. But sorry nonetheless.

You know what I like? Hugs. They have a magical property of making things seem better for awhile. I don't understand. I just know it happens. But like I said at the begging as my reason for lack of witty titles, the same applies here too. Oh well, it doesn't matter. At least I can try to convince myself that it doesn't.

You know, I probably won't even post this because I talk about my desire for hugs? Id rather just get one because people know I need one/ want to give me one. I don't want what I say to influence the way people act towards me. The only reason I'll post this is from pushing 'Publish' from habit or I just stop caring completely. We'll see.

I dont know much else to say. Sorry for wasting precious minutes of your meaningful lives.

Friendships

I hate this feeling. But there's nothing I can do about it. I hate feeling like a bad friend, but that's what I really am. I don't know how to help my friends effectively when they need it. I say the stupidest things. I feel like I can't do anything right. I cant carry conversations. I'm kinda a major jerk and douche bag. I wish there was some way I could help out more. I worry a lot, but I'm too scared to do anything about it. Why? I have no idea. I don't know what I'm scared of. But I'm scared of rejection, and of loosing my friends. I'm so used to feeling all alone that I'm scared of loosing friends. But I feel like I am because I'm freaking stupid. I just want to cry from frustration and disappointment with myself.

Śhver Rêćtœk

That means absolutely nothing. I just am not very good at titles, so I do gibberish.

One of the many things I dislike about myself is what I'm going to he talking about today.

I hate that I have to have a reason/excuse to talk to someone. I know I don't, but that's how I feel. For some reason I'm just not comfortable with starting a conversation just for conversations sake. I just don't know how to do it. Sure, I could just say 'Hey' but that's what I don't feel comfortable with doing. And I gets really aggravating when I really want to talk to someone, but I don't have a reason or excuse to. Because then I don't talk to anyone and I get further and further into to cycle. And it sucks.

That's all I guess.

Combination of thoughts

I've been feeling the pressure behind my eyes building for the last couple days, or weeks. I've been needing to cry for a long time. I've felt the tears behind my eyes sitting there. Almost hurting. Not quit, but still there. I feel selfish when I have thoughts of being a lone Cause I know theres people that care about me. But my emotions won't let me use my logic. And its killing me. It would be nice if I had a working bike, so I could hop on it and ride away, and let the stress and pressure out before I return. It would be nice indeed…

One thing we as human brings is to feel loved, to be loved. And this has always caused problems for me. Cause quite often I feel all alone, even when I'm surrounded by people. Feeling loved is something I don't know, and I fear I wouldn't recognize I was if someone did because I have no idea.

I just want to cry. But crying isn't what guys do. It's not what I do. I don't cry from sadness or pain, or anything. When I cry it's because I've been stopping myself for so long I can't control it. And there's not necessarily any reason. It's just my body had given up on me fighting the pressure and says enough is enough.

I'm tired of feeling like I have no one to turn to. And I know it's partly my fault, because I don't know what's wrong, and I duct know how to say things, and Im just all around awkward. I don't know how to deal with people, or ask for help. I don't even know how to give/get hugs. I don't know anything. I let fear rule my life because I'm scared of making people dislike me. I'm scared of making people feel awkward. I'm scared to look as weak as I really am. I'm scared of people finding out who I really am. I'm scares. And alone. And it hurts, but I deserve worse. I just need to grow the eff up and stop acting like such a freaking baby. Im an idiot.

From the heart

From the heart is where all truth comes. The mind is the place of fear and lies. When we open up our hearts, we open up ourselves
-Edward Matthews

I really need to stop caring so much. Stop worrying so much about my friends. Cause every time I do, I feel like crap. I feel worthless and useless. And it's because there's nothing I can do. I feel sick inside, because I can't help. I feel horrible, because I can't help. Not being to help my friends brings everything crashing in on me. It unbalances my mental see-saw. My logic is lessened whilst my emotion is increased. I don't think straight, and I just get deeper and deeper into despair. I hate myself for not being able to help. I feel like a horrible friend because there's nothing I can do. It ruins me, scares me, sickens me.

Another thing. I hate asking if someone's alright when I know they're not. Because I feel stupid and it opens it up for them to lie easier. But I have no idea how else to go about asking it. I have no clue how to present it other than "Are you doing alright?" I just dont. And I hate it. Hate it hate it hate it.

Things in need of being said

I'm not really sure how to go about this so I'm going to be as blunt and honest as possible. So be forewarned.

I hate having people worry about me. I just do. It makes me feel sick, and it makes me feel guilty. I don't know why, so don't ask. But I dont think I'm worth the time or energy of being worried about. When people worry about me, it makes me worried. Why or about what I have no idea. But I get feeling worried and guilty and I hate it. As I think about it, I think that may be a reason why I have such a hard time expressing myself, and sharing my feelings. I feel like this is my burden, and I don't want to add to others burdens. Thats just who I am. There's not too much I can do about it.

Have a picture that's very true for your enjoyment.

Literary Relationships

I have found a few characters from books we read in my English class this year that remind me a little of myself. What characters/what books, my audience of empty chairs might ask, well, that's what this post is about.

The first one is Arthur Dimmsdale, from The Scarlet Letter. What similarity do I see might I ask? He is letting one mistake rule, control, and ruin his life. He made one mistake, and it destroyed him.

The other one is Uncle John, from The Grapes of Wrath. He also let one mistake ruin and control his life.

A nincompoop might ask what the similarity is between these two and me. But, even thin air is smart enough to figure it out. And that's what you are, thin air. I am letting one mistake (a mistake repeated over and over again, granted, but still one mistake) ruin me. It's ruined my ability to make friendships, and to progress in life. Its destroying my soul and my existence. I am falling into patterns set down in books.

I'm not really sure where else I was going this post. But, I needed to say it, so there you have it.

In Mind Defying Youth Is Never Gained

Acronyms are a lovely thing aren't they ^.-

…And I'm tryin' not love you
But I hate the way I keep on givin'
Into you like I always do
No matter how I try
Or maybe could it be
That you're the part of me
That's keeping me alive?
How am I supposed to break this spell you got me under?
I'm so addicted to the pain…
Those are words to the song 'Break the Spell' by Daughtry, and those words are often running through my head. For good reason too.

You know, as much as it bothers me, it's kinda blessing that I like Briana. Why I might ask? Because its kept me from falling for people I know I don't want to, and who it's hard not to. It's helped by giving me someone who isn't as close to me. Its helped me keep friendships easier, and I've made one too.


Let It be Found Everywhere Happiness And Safety. Men Engage the Dastardly Opponent When Necessary.

Yay! Acronyms!

Things to say

No matter how I feel about life, I know I am incredibly lucky. For many reasons. But the one I'm thinking of is how lucky I am with friends. I am so lucky to have such great friends. So thank you so much :)

One thing that I want to say, but I don't know how to say it, and it's kinda awkward for me, but what I feel the need to say sometimes is "I love you". Kinda stupid I know. But I just want my friends to know that I do love them and that I am very grateful to them. I wish that I had the courage to tell them, but I dont. And I'm scared of how they'll react.

When one of my friends is feeling bad, or something whatever, but it makes me sick to my stomach because I want to help. But sometimes I'm too scared to see if I can, or they aren't willing to let me help, or there's nothing I can do to help. And that's the worst. Because I feel like a horrible friend. It makes me sick to my stomach, and feel like crying. It kinda really sucks. But I'm just such an empathetic person. (did you know, that according to a recent study on empathy that empathy is a general mammalian trait? Also, people who yawn more, are more empathetic. I guess that's why I yawn all time)

I think that's all I have to say. Thanks so much mine friends. I wish there was some way I could better express myself. Love you :)

Blabbity

There's many things that this blog is teaching me. One of them is who truly, truly cares about me. Now, I know it's not fair of me, but it's no one. Because I haven't made any effort what so ever to hide it. If someone looked for it they would find it. I've even been tweeting about blog posts, and I've seen my old blog have spikes in blog views on those days. But either people don't know how to look/ where to look, or they don't care enough to try. And knowing me and my self-pity attitude, I'm assuming people don't care. Big whoop. I don't know what I'd do if someone did though. Cause when people have tried, I've pushed them away and clammed up. And now when I'm more willing to open up, people have given up. So I'm learning consequences of past actions, and it's screwing me over.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm so far gone I don't know if I can be saved. I don't like saying it, cause I don't want to believe it or act over dramatic, but I really do fear I have a mental disorder. It runs in my family, so I have a greater likelihood for it than the general public, but still. I'm scared and I'm falling. And I know no one but me can catch me. I know at this time in my life I don't need someone special. But that doesn't make it any easier. Knowing you should be alone doesn't ease the pain.

I need to find an outlet for my emotions. I need something I can learn to do well, and above. But that's not who I am. I'm just and average general kinda good guy. Nothing spectacular here. Nothing cool or interesting or anything at all. I'm just an ugly Joe Schmoe off the street, that only stands out for unattractiveness. That's the life I have now.

What have I done wrong?

I know things I've done wrong, but that's not what I'm asking. Briana seems like she hates me or is just mad at me. And I know her well enough to know even if I don't stop asking she wouldn't tell me the truth. I hate girls. Why do they have so much power over me? Why am I so unlucky to fall for girls much too good for me? Why an I so ugly and unsocial? That's my problem. I'm an eye-sore. I may act nice but that can't make up for rotten (literally) looks. And then the maggots on the meat is I'm so antisocial. I'm completely fine sitting in silence. I can't think of things to say. Literally, my mind goes blank whenever I'm talking to people. And then when I do say things it's completely stupid or hurtful. That's why I've stopped talking- cause I've made too many mistakes when I've tried. Wanna know how bad I am at talking? I can't even carry on a conversation through electronics. I'm so retarded. I'm not good at anything. Im alright at a lot, but I don't stand out in anything. I'm not even good at being a hermit cause I whine and complain all the time. You know it's bad when you're annoyed of yourself. I just want all this to end. I need to get a grip- a hold on my life and actually do something for once. I'm so screwed over, and I'm scared of it.

Mood killers

Ever have a time when your pretty happy, and then something someone says or does kills it? Yeah, I have too, and just happened again.

So… story time…
I was talking with Kristianna, helping her with something, and then we started having a normal conversation :) which made me happy, cause those happen less often now. Well, about the time after my last text, which she hasn't responded too :\, she twitter something along the lines of "every time I wish it's you…" now I'm just making assumptions but I'm 99% positive that she wishes every text was from Jordan, which I understand, cause he's her boyfriend. But it still hurts, cause basically she's saying she doesn't want to talk to me. And it sucks. Oh well.

I'm really starting to enjoy using this to rant and rage and vent and yeah. :) so tata for now my future self :) hope you're better than I am now :)

Things I want to Say

So I'll probably do a lot of these, but what I did was type things I want to say in my notes section today cause I really needed to say something's, but I suck at talking to people, plus I'm more honest when I'm not saying it to/for people. So, here's today's:

Things I want to say

Dear Briana,

You are so cute and beautiful and amazing. I kinda like you a lot. Im 98% sure you don't like me, and that's fine cause I'll deal with it. I'm sorry if this ruins our friendship :( Id really hate for that to happen, but I really needed to tell you cause it was eating away at my insides. I'm sorry I'm such a jerk. I just have no idea how to behave or what to do. I really hope you don't hate me, or in your words 'dislike a lot'. But if you do, I would completely understand. I'm sorry I'm so stupid, I hope you can forgive me some day.
GM

I wish I could tell you I love you… but I don't have the courage too, and I'm too afraid that you'll hate me forever. I don't care if you like me or not, I just wish I knew for certain either way so I wouldn't be plagued by a glimmer of hope. That hope just makes it all the worse. Its very difficult to deal with. I'm sorry I'm such an idiot.

Why do you have to be so aggravatingly attractive?! Why can't I just get you out of my head? I feel like I might start crying from the shear hopelessness of it all gosh dang it. I hate that I love you.

Why is it so hard for me to understand and to handle my emotions? Why is it is hard for me to be happy with who I am? Why do I get sad over the silliest things? Why is it so hard for me to be happy? Why do I love you?

I really wish I knew what you thought of me. I'm hatching a plan to accidentally ask you, but I can't think of a reason why I would what to know. I wish I was a more talkative person, but I'm not, and I over think EVERYTHING. And I hate it. I wish there was someway I could just easily talk to people, but I'm not a people person. I don't even know what kind of person I am- or if I even constitute as a person anymore. I just wish I knew what to do.

There it is.

New blog

So this is probably going to be my new blog. Cause I was raging on my other one and then my parents found out and read it so I had to stop. :( this one I'll probably be more honest on because I'm 95% sure no one I care about will read this. :)

So… things that have been on my mind of late… Briana and Kristianna mostly. :P Briana, because… yeah, I kinda like her and sometimes I feel like she might like me and other times like she hates me. Its quite confusing and troublesome. And Kristianna, cause I feel like my friendship with her is thinning, and I know it's my fault. Why, my nonexistent reader might ask? Because for some stupid reason seeing her and Jordan makes me jealous, and kinda hurts me. And I feel at times like she's stopped caring about me, and ignored my silent cries for help over twitter. Though if I think about it, I kinda realize that that's my fault too cause I struggle with being open to people, and expressing myself. So when she's tried in the past I struggled with accepting it, and no she sees no point in trying. But it still hurts. And I'm still a baby. And the reason our friendship is thinner is because I've drawn away selfishly to protect myself (an it hasn't worked) twice. And then I choose to stop and rebuild the friendship, but it can't be as strong as before. And now that I recognize the consequences of my actions, I know I'll regret it for the rest of my life, and I think I'd rather suffer more pain to protect what's left of this rather than risk loosing it entirely. That's what's been on my mind lately(partly, not all of what's been in my mind I'll talk about)

Holy crap. That felt so good to get out in complete honesty :) more honest rages will happen my good reader of one :) (that's me :))