Combination of thoughts

I've been feeling the pressure behind my eyes building for the last couple days, or weeks. I've been needing to cry for a long time. I've felt the tears behind my eyes sitting there. Almost hurting. Not quit, but still there. I feel selfish when I have thoughts of being a lone Cause I know theres people that care about me. But my emotions won't let me use my logic. And its killing me. It would be nice if I had a working bike, so I could hop on it and ride away, and let the stress and pressure out before I return. It would be nice indeed…

One thing we as human brings is to feel loved, to be loved. And this has always caused problems for me. Cause quite often I feel all alone, even when I'm surrounded by people. Feeling loved is something I don't know, and I fear I wouldn't recognize I was if someone did because I have no idea.

I just want to cry. But crying isn't what guys do. It's not what I do. I don't cry from sadness or pain, or anything. When I cry it's because I've been stopping myself for so long I can't control it. And there's not necessarily any reason. It's just my body had given up on me fighting the pressure and says enough is enough.

I'm tired of feeling like I have no one to turn to. And I know it's partly my fault, because I don't know what's wrong, and I duct know how to say things, and Im just all around awkward. I don't know how to deal with people, or ask for help. I don't even know how to give/get hugs. I don't know anything. I let fear rule my life because I'm scared of making people dislike me. I'm scared of making people feel awkward. I'm scared to look as weak as I really am. I'm scared of people finding out who I really am. I'm scares. And alone. And it hurts, but I deserve worse. I just need to grow the eff up and stop acting like such a freaking baby. Im an idiot.