Blabbity

There's many things that this blog is teaching me. One of them is who truly, truly cares about me. Now, I know it's not fair of me, but it's no one. Because I haven't made any effort what so ever to hide it. If someone looked for it they would find it. I've even been tweeting about blog posts, and I've seen my old blog have spikes in blog views on those days. But either people don't know how to look/ where to look, or they don't care enough to try. And knowing me and my self-pity attitude, I'm assuming people don't care. Big whoop. I don't know what I'd do if someone did though. Cause when people have tried, I've pushed them away and clammed up. And now when I'm more willing to open up, people have given up. So I'm learning consequences of past actions, and it's screwing me over.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm so far gone I don't know if I can be saved. I don't like saying it, cause I don't want to believe it or act over dramatic, but I really do fear I have a mental disorder. It runs in my family, so I have a greater likelihood for it than the general public, but still. I'm scared and I'm falling. And I know no one but me can catch me. I know at this time in my life I don't need someone special. But that doesn't make it any easier. Knowing you should be alone doesn't ease the pain.

I need to find an outlet for my emotions. I need something I can learn to do well, and above. But that's not who I am. I'm just and average general kinda good guy. Nothing spectacular here. Nothing cool or interesting or anything at all. I'm just an ugly Joe Schmoe off the street, that only stands out for unattractiveness. That's the life I have now.