Time to talk

So, I guess I haven't done this in awhile. But I feel like there's a lot of things I need to say, so this is going to be a giant rant of sorts, kinda sorta.

So schools over, and I'm not going to lie, I kinda really miss my friends- especially the ones that graduated. Because of marching band, I get to see most of my friends, but the seniors who graduated aren't there anymore and it's really weird, and I hate that they're not there, but I'll need to learn to deal with it.

One thing that really holds me back from talking to people is I convince myself that whoever I want to/ am considering talking to doesn't want to talk to me, so I don't try. I hate that I do it, but I do it all the time, and I don't think I will ever be able to stop.

There's more things I could talk about I guess, but I don't really want to say names, and the other thing that I could talk about I'm starting to get over, so talking about it would probably reopen the wounds, so whatever.

You know what's great? I haven't done this is so log that nobody's going to read this, just like at the beginning :) haha. Oh well, it's for the best I guess.

Things of truth

I don't know why I have do much hope of Briana liking me. Because I know it's basically impossible for her to like me. Forget that I'm unattractive, that I'm socially awkward, and that I'm kind of a douche bag. For someone to love me, like me, whatever, I have to first love/like myself. You can't love someone that doesn't like them self. That's the way of things. And since I'm not sure whether or not I like myself yet, because I haven't in the past. And since I'm not sure, that means I don't like myself, and so it's nigh impossible for Briana, or anyone else for that matter, to "like" me. Which kinda makes it harder for me to like myself, because the fact that no one has/does/will hurts my self esteem which makes it harder for me to appreciate myself. I know these things really don't matter right now, and that I shouldn't let them bother me, but they matter to me(for some stupid reason) and it does bother me. I guess that's all that I wanted/needed to say.

Disappear

Im such a whiny baby. Just warning you now.

I wish people proved to me they actually cared. I know in a stupid idiot. But I'd rather you tell me you don't care than to pretend like you do. I really do think you just act like you care about every once in awhile because you're too nice to tell me the truth. The truth that you don't like me, you find me annoying, and that I would just leave you alone.

I just want to disappear. I want to run away from here. Be alone with no contact. Just to sheet away from everything and/or everyone. Maybe subconsciously to see who cares. Cause I feel like its next to none.

I just want someone to love, someone who loves me. Yeah, I know it's never gonna happen cause I'm a butt ugly person named Garrett, but one can wish...

I dont have a witty title…

…because I'm lame :\

First of all I'm sorry for posting so much crap… not that anyone cares. But sorry nonetheless.

You know what I like? Hugs. They have a magical property of making things seem better for awhile. I don't understand. I just know it happens. But like I said at the begging as my reason for lack of witty titles, the same applies here too. Oh well, it doesn't matter. At least I can try to convince myself that it doesn't.

You know, I probably won't even post this because I talk about my desire for hugs? Id rather just get one because people know I need one/ want to give me one. I don't want what I say to influence the way people act towards me. The only reason I'll post this is from pushing 'Publish' from habit or I just stop caring completely. We'll see.

I dont know much else to say. Sorry for wasting precious minutes of your meaningful lives.

Friendships

I hate this feeling. But there's nothing I can do about it. I hate feeling like a bad friend, but that's what I really am. I don't know how to help my friends effectively when they need it. I say the stupidest things. I feel like I can't do anything right. I cant carry conversations. I'm kinda a major jerk and douche bag. I wish there was some way I could help out more. I worry a lot, but I'm too scared to do anything about it. Why? I have no idea. I don't know what I'm scared of. But I'm scared of rejection, and of loosing my friends. I'm so used to feeling all alone that I'm scared of loosing friends. But I feel like I am because I'm freaking stupid. I just want to cry from frustration and disappointment with myself.

Śhver Rêćtœk

That means absolutely nothing. I just am not very good at titles, so I do gibberish.

One of the many things I dislike about myself is what I'm going to he talking about today.

I hate that I have to have a reason/excuse to talk to someone. I know I don't, but that's how I feel. For some reason I'm just not comfortable with starting a conversation just for conversations sake. I just don't know how to do it. Sure, I could just say 'Hey' but that's what I don't feel comfortable with doing. And I gets really aggravating when I really want to talk to someone, but I don't have a reason or excuse to. Because then I don't talk to anyone and I get further and further into to cycle. And it sucks.

That's all I guess.

Combination of thoughts

I've been feeling the pressure behind my eyes building for the last couple days, or weeks. I've been needing to cry for a long time. I've felt the tears behind my eyes sitting there. Almost hurting. Not quit, but still there. I feel selfish when I have thoughts of being a lone Cause I know theres people that care about me. But my emotions won't let me use my logic. And its killing me. It would be nice if I had a working bike, so I could hop on it and ride away, and let the stress and pressure out before I return. It would be nice indeed…

One thing we as human brings is to feel loved, to be loved. And this has always caused problems for me. Cause quite often I feel all alone, even when I'm surrounded by people. Feeling loved is something I don't know, and I fear I wouldn't recognize I was if someone did because I have no idea.

I just want to cry. But crying isn't what guys do. It's not what I do. I don't cry from sadness or pain, or anything. When I cry it's because I've been stopping myself for so long I can't control it. And there's not necessarily any reason. It's just my body had given up on me fighting the pressure and says enough is enough.

I'm tired of feeling like I have no one to turn to. And I know it's partly my fault, because I don't know what's wrong, and I duct know how to say things, and Im just all around awkward. I don't know how to deal with people, or ask for help. I don't even know how to give/get hugs. I don't know anything. I let fear rule my life because I'm scared of making people dislike me. I'm scared of making people feel awkward. I'm scared to look as weak as I really am. I'm scared of people finding out who I really am. I'm scares. And alone. And it hurts, but I deserve worse. I just need to grow the eff up and stop acting like such a freaking baby. Im an idiot.