There are sometimes when I absolutely beyond a doubt just completely despise myself and everything about me. Now's one of those times. I would say hate, but I feel like I hate is more long term. And I hope that this won't be long term, and I don't think it will be. So despise I feel is appropriate to describe it.
I am just such an idiot. I don't know how to leave well enough alone. Everything one does/sees/says/etc. gets stored up in their brain. But with me for some reason all the crap is what I can actively and consciously remember. And it's killing me. I've really done a good job on setting myself on a path to destruction. Thankfully, things are starting to look up and I feel like my boats finally making progress upstream. But even once I'm forgive this mess and mistake I've made will always be a load I carry. And it scares me that it might send me into relapses. I hate what I've done, and I despise myself for doing it. I want to change, and I hope and pray that I'll be able to.
I absolutely hate how judgmental I can be even when I try my very hardest not to. I know I have no place to make any judgements or assumptions or anything, because of what I've done, and lots of times that helps. But sometimes my stupid brain wont let it work that way. So those things eat and gnaw away at my insides and cause me to feel physically sick. And I hate hate hate it. I quite honestly just want to get away from everyone and be on my mission focusing on God and others, forgetting about life back here. I know it sounds awful, but I want to get away from even the people I can most about. Sometimes I just can't handle people or life. I just want to lose myself in the gospel service so I can stop being so self absorbed. I know it's unfair and unkind to say this but I want to forget everyone here at home and be serving God and only thinking about his children I am able to help.
I know I am a terrible awful person. I tell myself that almost every single day, and I have for years. I don't know what I want or how I feel most of the time. I have no idea what's going to happen or what I even want or hope to happen with the person I've mentioned in previous posts. Sometimes I want one thing, and other times I feel like that is a horrible terrible idea and it'll never work. I have no idea about anything. I do know I should stop worrying so much about it because it doesn't even matter now, and it won't for a couple of years more. I'll be honest though. Sometimes I just plain can't handle dealing with you. I still do and will for your sake, but sometimes my emotional confusion and my feelings are just overwhelming and I can't handle dealing with you right then. I'm sorry I still do, because it's not fair to you that I do. But its also not fair that even though I trust you almost more than anyone else I'm too scared to tell you. I'm sorry I'm awful. I really am. But this is me and my terrible self, and I don't know how much or what will change.
My brain is torturing me. I am torturing myself. I have scars to prove it, whether they be emotional, spiritual, or physical they are there. One thing I've learned though is pain helps nothing. It doesn't adequately distract nor does it help one feel better. I honestly just despise myself though. But I hope some day that that can change, and that I can one day look in the mirror and say "I like that guy. He's gone through his own Hell, but has made it out without losing himself. He now has control of himself and is a good guy. I'm glad I know him." That would be a glorious and wonderful day.
I'm sorry if Ive said anything that has offended anyone who might chance upon reading this angry rant of mine. I do not mean to offend, but right now I don't really care if I do or did. I really am tired of walking on eggshells around everyone all the time. And so it exploded out tonight. I'm glad it exploded here, and not at my family as it regrettably has before. I hope and pray that this explosive rant means I won't explode at people in real life. Because that just makes me feel worse.
I'm glad I have this blog to turn to when I'm too scared to turn to one person or a place I'm confident people will see. I really am a coward and am terrified of people's opinions. This little 'secret' blog of mine is a solace to go to and complain to my hearts content. Because sometimes I want the possibility of people seeing without the guarantee. Because if I wanted nobody to see it I would write it down or text it to myself. This rant did help me feel a little better, because I was as honest with my feelings as I could be without sharing too personal of information.
If anyone I know does read this, I am sorry. And now I mean it. But I want you to know if you're reading this and you know me, and I thank you for your friendship and your care.
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