I have a lot of stuff on my mind right now, tonight. And a lot of its about you. I'm starting to get a feeling, I think, about how much I'm going to miss you for these next three years. I don't want to sound selfish, but I'm also kind of worried about how you'll handle it. I know you'll be okay, but okay doesn't make things any easier. But I don't know how to bring this up with you, if I want to, if I should, or if it's even a good idea. It really probably isn't though, so perhaps its best not too try and think up ways to talk about it.
I realized tonight how close the last time I'll get to see you, and the last time I'll have a conversation that isn't taking place across weeks but actually happening with you, is getting. November 20 seems so close. But in reality, the last time I'll probably see you is the 18th. Unless somehow we swing a early afternoon rendezvous on the Tuesday. And the last time we'll have a conversation is early afternoon Tuesday. Because I'll be getting set apart Tuesday evening, and after that no technology. And it wouldn't matter if I saw you, because I wouldn't be able to hug you.
I started thinking about the last time we'll see each other, and what we might say, and what might happen. And it bummed me out. It just made me really sad thinking of my last chance to see you for three years. And I'll be honest, I just about cried thinking about it. It's going to suck, but there's nothing I can do about it. The days are going fast and it's almost time for me to go. And boy oh boy am I going to miss you.
On a completely seperate note, whose only link to the topic previously discussed is the fact that it's been on my mind tonight as well, I'm starting to realize how important and necessary hope is. I've lived so long without hope, just tearing myself down while trying to get up. And that plain doesn't work. Hope and faith go hand in hand, and if hope isn't there how can faith be? I am now gaining hope, through Gods grace, that I can change my ways and become a better person. I still tear myself down, but it's getting easier to stop and move on. Not forgive myself. Not yet. I'm not ready to forgive myself yet, but I'm becoming able to move on with myself rather than sit back damned. Because that's what the scriptural damning means. It's the same as the common place dam we use. It means to halt in progression- to back up. Hold back. And now, the flood gates are starting to be opened, and the river of my life, my existence, is starting to be allowed to return to the path meant for it and not the one chosen by man.
Never let yourself lose hope. No matter how bad things get. Because it you let go of hope you let go of everything, and you'll lose yourself. And it'll take struggleing, hardship, and heartache for you to find yourself and your hope again. Take it from someone who has made that mistake. Don't give up on yourself. Because God hasn't, and he's perfect. If he knows your potential for greatness and knows you can change your ways if you so chose, then you better believe in yourself.
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