Hugs

Honestly, I have a crap ton of stuff I guess I need to say, but I really don't want to rant about everything right now, so here's one thing that's been bothering for a while.

So, as the title says 'Hugs'. They're great things, huh? Yeah, well, I think so too. Except I don't think other people realize that. Especially a few of my friends. (in all actuality it's probably one, but I refuse to say names). And I feel this way because I see them hugging other people all the time. And we're pretty good friends, and they've hugged me a total of 15ish times. (just throwing out a guess there, but it may be lower or higher, but probably lower). And for most people this wouldn't be a big deal I guess. But, for some reason it just really bothers me. And I hate it. Yeah, I know I could ask for hugs, but I HATE asking for things. I don't know, I'm Mr. Stereotypical Guy when it comes to asking for things/help. I guess that may be my problem, but I'm pretty sure it isn't. I don't know. I just hate how lonely/left out I feel when I see my friends hugging people, and I'm just standing by myself trying to stay outwardly nonchalant. It freaking sucks.

Things

So, yesterday was Snowball, and honestly it was the most fun I've had at a dance ever. I went with Kristianna, and it was just super duper fun :) it was quite a good last dance to go too :) and if anyone ever reads this, I hope you don't misinterpret this as me asking for people to ask me to girl choice dances, because that's not what I'm doing. I'm just nearly positive that I won't be going to another dance this year. Because two out of the three remaining dances are girl choice dances. And since my range of friends of the opposite gender is rather limited, I'm fairly certain I won't get asked to either Sweethearts or Morp. And I'm pretty sure I won't be asking anybody to Prom this year, so Snowball was probably my last dance. And it was a great last one :) that's all :)

Summer, life, things in general

So, since school is about to start, I figure I might as well talk about my summer. And keeping in pattern with my previous posts, I'm going to be pretty blatant, I guess is the best way to say it. I'm going to speak my opinions plainly, because I have no fear of people actually reading this because I'm super awesome and people don't care about me. Kind of an oxymoron I know. But still, that's how these things work.

So, really all I did this summer comes down to 3 or 4 things. 1) I did marching band 2) I had a Biology 1090 class 3) I sat at home all day super bored. Number four is a sometimes thing, that happened on rare occasions, and it was I hung out with friends. Which usually came down to playing magic the gathering for a few hours. It was a super fun summer, let me tell you. And you know, I questioned a lot of things. Like how true my friendships are. Because, it seems to me that the people I call friends are more like school friends than true friends. They're people that you see once in awhile, someone you talk to once in awhile, and that's it. You don't really do anything with them. That's all fine and dandy, because I'm super lame and can never think of anything to say/do, but how do you think I got that way? Because I never do anything with people. Or you know, I just lucked out with my cup from the gene pool and I got a large mesh of socially awkward genes. Which is probably the more likely case. But nevertheless, it kind of super sucks.

One thing I have learned this summer is that I kinda super duper suck and conversations. My mind just goes blank (which isn't hard for it to happen) and I have no idea what to say to continue conversation. It sucks, because sometimes I just need that human contact, and I have absolutely nothing to say, so the conversation just dies.

One thing I've pondered as I've tried to figure out what is wrong with me is maybe some parts of my personality matured to fast while others didn't mature fast enough, and that's why I can't seem to feel like I fit in. Maybe that's how it is with teenagers in general, but maybe parts of my personality went opposite than normal people went. Who knows? Not I. Something to think about I guess.

May I just say, sometimes girls, and people in general I guess, are more trouble than they're worth? Especially when they don't care about you, and your mind is flooded with them, despite how much you try to stop it? Yeah, it kinda sucks, especially when you're a super awkward socially retarded average kid like me. Oh the joys of life.

Alone

I'm done caring about hurting other people with the truth of how I feel. I feel abandoned. I feel alone. Yeah, most of the time I feel like I have no friends. Maybe it's true. Who knows. But, what I do know is people don't want to/like to do stuff with me. They don't want to talk to me either. Maybe it's for the best. But it's good practice for when I'm older and definitely won't be doing anything. But still. Is it right that I should feel this way? Probably not. Is it right that basically my friendships are one sided? Probably not. Is it right that I'm a baby with no initiative? Probably not. But you know what? Whatever. It doesn't matter. Nothing does. Because nothing lasts. Nothing will, except for our legacy. So whatever. I'm just a whinny butt face. You know, this is probably why I have no friends. Because I complain all the flipping time. I'm so freaking stupid. Yay for being an idiot. Yay for being a freaking loner that has no friends. Yay for feeling like crap.

Time to talk

So, I guess I haven't done this in awhile. But I feel like there's a lot of things I need to say, so this is going to be a giant rant of sorts, kinda sorta.

So schools over, and I'm not going to lie, I kinda really miss my friends- especially the ones that graduated. Because of marching band, I get to see most of my friends, but the seniors who graduated aren't there anymore and it's really weird, and I hate that they're not there, but I'll need to learn to deal with it.

One thing that really holds me back from talking to people is I convince myself that whoever I want to/ am considering talking to doesn't want to talk to me, so I don't try. I hate that I do it, but I do it all the time, and I don't think I will ever be able to stop.

There's more things I could talk about I guess, but I don't really want to say names, and the other thing that I could talk about I'm starting to get over, so talking about it would probably reopen the wounds, so whatever.

You know what's great? I haven't done this is so log that nobody's going to read this, just like at the beginning :) haha. Oh well, it's for the best I guess.

Things of truth

I don't know why I have do much hope of Briana liking me. Because I know it's basically impossible for her to like me. Forget that I'm unattractive, that I'm socially awkward, and that I'm kind of a douche bag. For someone to love me, like me, whatever, I have to first love/like myself. You can't love someone that doesn't like them self. That's the way of things. And since I'm not sure whether or not I like myself yet, because I haven't in the past. And since I'm not sure, that means I don't like myself, and so it's nigh impossible for Briana, or anyone else for that matter, to "like" me. Which kinda makes it harder for me to like myself, because the fact that no one has/does/will hurts my self esteem which makes it harder for me to appreciate myself. I know these things really don't matter right now, and that I shouldn't let them bother me, but they matter to me(for some stupid reason) and it does bother me. I guess that's all that I wanted/needed to say.

Disappear

Im such a whiny baby. Just warning you now.

I wish people proved to me they actually cared. I know in a stupid idiot. But I'd rather you tell me you don't care than to pretend like you do. I really do think you just act like you care about every once in awhile because you're too nice to tell me the truth. The truth that you don't like me, you find me annoying, and that I would just leave you alone.

I just want to disappear. I want to run away from here. Be alone with no contact. Just to sheet away from everything and/or everyone. Maybe subconsciously to see who cares. Cause I feel like its next to none.

I just want someone to love, someone who loves me. Yeah, I know it's never gonna happen cause I'm a butt ugly person named Garrett, but one can wish...