That means absolutely nothing. I just am not very good at titles, so I do gibberish.
One of the many things I dislike about myself is what I'm going to he talking about today.
I hate that I have to have a reason/excuse to talk to someone. I know I don't, but that's how I feel. For some reason I'm just not comfortable with starting a conversation just for conversations sake. I just don't know how to do it. Sure, I could just say 'Hey' but that's what I don't feel comfortable with doing. And I gets really aggravating when I really want to talk to someone, but I don't have a reason or excuse to. Because then I don't talk to anyone and I get further and further into to cycle. And it sucks.
That's all I guess.
Saturday, April 28, 2012
Thursday, April 26, 2012
Combination of thoughts
I've been feeling the pressure behind my eyes building for the last couple days, or weeks. I've been needing to cry for a long time. I've felt the tears behind my eyes sitting there. Almost hurting. Not quit, but still there. I feel selfish when I have thoughts of being a lone Cause I know theres people that care about me. But my emotions won't let me use my logic. And its killing me. It would be nice if I had a working bike, so I could hop on it and ride away, and let the stress and pressure out before I return. It would be nice indeed…
One thing we as human brings is to feel loved, to be loved. And this has always caused problems for me. Cause quite often I feel all alone, even when I'm surrounded by people. Feeling loved is something I don't know, and I fear I wouldn't recognize I was if someone did because I have no idea.
I just want to cry. But crying isn't what guys do. It's not what I do. I don't cry from sadness or pain, or anything. When I cry it's because I've been stopping myself for so long I can't control it. And there's not necessarily any reason. It's just my body had given up on me fighting the pressure and says enough is enough.
I'm tired of feeling like I have no one to turn to. And I know it's partly my fault, because I don't know what's wrong, and I duct know how to say things, and Im just all around awkward. I don't know how to deal with people, or ask for help. I don't even know how to give/get hugs. I don't know anything. I let fear rule my life because I'm scared of making people dislike me. I'm scared of making people feel awkward. I'm scared to look as weak as I really am. I'm scared of people finding out who I really am. I'm scares. And alone. And it hurts, but I deserve worse. I just need to grow the eff up and stop acting like such a freaking baby. Im an idiot.
One thing we as human brings is to feel loved, to be loved. And this has always caused problems for me. Cause quite often I feel all alone, even when I'm surrounded by people. Feeling loved is something I don't know, and I fear I wouldn't recognize I was if someone did because I have no idea.
I just want to cry. But crying isn't what guys do. It's not what I do. I don't cry from sadness or pain, or anything. When I cry it's because I've been stopping myself for so long I can't control it. And there's not necessarily any reason. It's just my body had given up on me fighting the pressure and says enough is enough.
I'm tired of feeling like I have no one to turn to. And I know it's partly my fault, because I don't know what's wrong, and I duct know how to say things, and Im just all around awkward. I don't know how to deal with people, or ask for help. I don't even know how to give/get hugs. I don't know anything. I let fear rule my life because I'm scared of making people dislike me. I'm scared of making people feel awkward. I'm scared to look as weak as I really am. I'm scared of people finding out who I really am. I'm scares. And alone. And it hurts, but I deserve worse. I just need to grow the eff up and stop acting like such a freaking baby. Im an idiot.
From the heart
From the heart is where all truth comes. The mind is the place of fear and lies. When we open up our hearts, we open up ourselves
-Edward Matthews
I really need to stop caring so much. Stop worrying so much about my friends. Cause every time I do, I feel like crap. I feel worthless and useless. And it's because there's nothing I can do. I feel sick inside, because I can't help. I feel horrible, because I can't help. Not being to help my friends brings everything crashing in on me. It unbalances my mental see-saw. My logic is lessened whilst my emotion is increased. I don't think straight, and I just get deeper and deeper into despair. I hate myself for not being able to help. I feel like a horrible friend because there's nothing I can do. It ruins me, scares me, sickens me.
Another thing. I hate asking if someone's alright when I know they're not. Because I feel stupid and it opens it up for them to lie easier. But I have no idea how else to go about asking it. I have no clue how to present it other than "Are you doing alright?" I just dont. And I hate it. Hate it hate it hate it.
-Edward Matthews
I really need to stop caring so much. Stop worrying so much about my friends. Cause every time I do, I feel like crap. I feel worthless and useless. And it's because there's nothing I can do. I feel sick inside, because I can't help. I feel horrible, because I can't help. Not being to help my friends brings everything crashing in on me. It unbalances my mental see-saw. My logic is lessened whilst my emotion is increased. I don't think straight, and I just get deeper and deeper into despair. I hate myself for not being able to help. I feel like a horrible friend because there's nothing I can do. It ruins me, scares me, sickens me.
Another thing. I hate asking if someone's alright when I know they're not. Because I feel stupid and it opens it up for them to lie easier. But I have no idea how else to go about asking it. I have no clue how to present it other than "Are you doing alright?" I just dont. And I hate it. Hate it hate it hate it.
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Things in need of being said
I'm not really sure how to go about this so I'm going to be as blunt and honest as possible. So be forewarned.
I hate having people worry about me. I just do. It makes me feel sick, and it makes me feel guilty. I don't know why, so don't ask. But I dont think I'm worth the time or energy of being worried about. When people worry about me, it makes me worried. Why or about what I have no idea. But I get feeling worried and guilty and I hate it. As I think about it, I think that may be a reason why I have such a hard time expressing myself, and sharing my feelings. I feel like this is my burden, and I don't want to add to others burdens. Thats just who I am. There's not too much I can do about it.
Have a picture that's very true for your enjoyment.
I hate having people worry about me. I just do. It makes me feel sick, and it makes me feel guilty. I don't know why, so don't ask. But I dont think I'm worth the time or energy of being worried about. When people worry about me, it makes me worried. Why or about what I have no idea. But I get feeling worried and guilty and I hate it. As I think about it, I think that may be a reason why I have such a hard time expressing myself, and sharing my feelings. I feel like this is my burden, and I don't want to add to others burdens. Thats just who I am. There's not too much I can do about it.
Have a picture that's very true for your enjoyment.
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Literary Relationships
I have found a few characters from books we read in my English class this year that remind me a little of myself. What characters/what books, my audience of empty chairs might ask, well, that's what this post is about.
The first one is Arthur Dimmsdale, from The Scarlet Letter. What similarity do I see might I ask? He is letting one mistake rule, control, and ruin his life. He made one mistake, and it destroyed him.
The other one is Uncle John, from The Grapes of Wrath. He also let one mistake ruin and control his life.
A nincompoop might ask what the similarity is between these two and me. But, even thin air is smart enough to figure it out. And that's what you are, thin air. I am letting one mistake (a mistake repeated over and over again, granted, but still one mistake) ruin me. It's ruined my ability to make friendships, and to progress in life. Its destroying my soul and my existence. I am falling into patterns set down in books.
I'm not really sure where else I was going this post. But, I needed to say it, so there you have it.
The first one is Arthur Dimmsdale, from The Scarlet Letter. What similarity do I see might I ask? He is letting one mistake rule, control, and ruin his life. He made one mistake, and it destroyed him.
The other one is Uncle John, from The Grapes of Wrath. He also let one mistake ruin and control his life.
A nincompoop might ask what the similarity is between these two and me. But, even thin air is smart enough to figure it out. And that's what you are, thin air. I am letting one mistake (a mistake repeated over and over again, granted, but still one mistake) ruin me. It's ruined my ability to make friendships, and to progress in life. Its destroying my soul and my existence. I am falling into patterns set down in books.
I'm not really sure where else I was going this post. But, I needed to say it, so there you have it.
In Mind Defying Youth Is Never Gained
Acronyms are a lovely thing aren't they ^.-
…And I'm tryin' not love you
But I hate the way I keep on givin'
Into you like I always do
No matter how I try
Or maybe could it be
That you're the part of me
That's keeping me alive?
How am I supposed to break this spell you got me under?
I'm so addicted to the pain…
Those are words to the song 'Break the Spell' by Daughtry, and those words are often running through my head. For good reason too.
You know, as much as it bothers me, it's kinda blessing that I like Briana. Why I might ask? Because its kept me from falling for people I know I don't want to, and who it's hard not to. It's helped by giving me someone who isn't as close to me. Its helped me keep friendships easier, and I've made one too.
Let It be Found Everywhere Happiness And Safety. Men Engage the Dastardly Opponent When Necessary.
Yay! Acronyms!
…And I'm tryin' not love you
But I hate the way I keep on givin'
Into you like I always do
No matter how I try
Or maybe could it be
That you're the part of me
That's keeping me alive?
How am I supposed to break this spell you got me under?
I'm so addicted to the pain…
Those are words to the song 'Break the Spell' by Daughtry, and those words are often running through my head. For good reason too.
You know, as much as it bothers me, it's kinda blessing that I like Briana. Why I might ask? Because its kept me from falling for people I know I don't want to, and who it's hard not to. It's helped by giving me someone who isn't as close to me. Its helped me keep friendships easier, and I've made one too.
Let It be Found Everywhere Happiness And Safety. Men Engage the Dastardly Opponent When Necessary.
Yay! Acronyms!
Saturday, April 21, 2012
Things to say
No matter how I feel about life, I know I am incredibly lucky. For many reasons. But the one I'm thinking of is how lucky I am with friends. I am so lucky to have such great friends. So thank you so much :)
One thing that I want to say, but I don't know how to say it, and it's kinda awkward for me, but what I feel the need to say sometimes is "I love you". Kinda stupid I know. But I just want my friends to know that I do love them and that I am very grateful to them. I wish that I had the courage to tell them, but I dont. And I'm scared of how they'll react.
When one of my friends is feeling bad, or something whatever, but it makes me sick to my stomach because I want to help. But sometimes I'm too scared to see if I can, or they aren't willing to let me help, or there's nothing I can do to help. And that's the worst. Because I feel like a horrible friend. It makes me sick to my stomach, and feel like crying. It kinda really sucks. But I'm just such an empathetic person. (did you know, that according to a recent study on empathy that empathy is a general mammalian trait? Also, people who yawn more, are more empathetic. I guess that's why I yawn all time)
I think that's all I have to say. Thanks so much mine friends. I wish there was some way I could better express myself. Love you :)
One thing that I want to say, but I don't know how to say it, and it's kinda awkward for me, but what I feel the need to say sometimes is "I love you". Kinda stupid I know. But I just want my friends to know that I do love them and that I am very grateful to them. I wish that I had the courage to tell them, but I dont. And I'm scared of how they'll react.
When one of my friends is feeling bad, or something whatever, but it makes me sick to my stomach because I want to help. But sometimes I'm too scared to see if I can, or they aren't willing to let me help, or there's nothing I can do to help. And that's the worst. Because I feel like a horrible friend. It makes me sick to my stomach, and feel like crying. It kinda really sucks. But I'm just such an empathetic person. (did you know, that according to a recent study on empathy that empathy is a general mammalian trait? Also, people who yawn more, are more empathetic. I guess that's why I yawn all time)
I think that's all I have to say. Thanks so much mine friends. I wish there was some way I could better express myself. Love you :)
Sunday, April 15, 2012
Blabbity
There's many things that this blog is teaching me. One of them is who truly, truly cares about me. Now, I know it's not fair of me, but it's no one. Because I haven't made any effort what so ever to hide it. If someone looked for it they would find it. I've even been tweeting about blog posts, and I've seen my old blog have spikes in blog views on those days. But either people don't know how to look/ where to look, or they don't care enough to try. And knowing me and my self-pity attitude, I'm assuming people don't care. Big whoop. I don't know what I'd do if someone did though. Cause when people have tried, I've pushed them away and clammed up. And now when I'm more willing to open up, people have given up. So I'm learning consequences of past actions, and it's screwing me over.
I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm so far gone I don't know if I can be saved. I don't like saying it, cause I don't want to believe it or act over dramatic, but I really do fear I have a mental disorder. It runs in my family, so I have a greater likelihood for it than the general public, but still. I'm scared and I'm falling. And I know no one but me can catch me. I know at this time in my life I don't need someone special. But that doesn't make it any easier. Knowing you should be alone doesn't ease the pain.
I need to find an outlet for my emotions. I need something I can learn to do well, and above. But that's not who I am. I'm just and average general kinda good guy. Nothing spectacular here. Nothing cool or interesting or anything at all. I'm just an ugly Joe Schmoe off the street, that only stands out for unattractiveness. That's the life I have now.
I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm so far gone I don't know if I can be saved. I don't like saying it, cause I don't want to believe it or act over dramatic, but I really do fear I have a mental disorder. It runs in my family, so I have a greater likelihood for it than the general public, but still. I'm scared and I'm falling. And I know no one but me can catch me. I know at this time in my life I don't need someone special. But that doesn't make it any easier. Knowing you should be alone doesn't ease the pain.
I need to find an outlet for my emotions. I need something I can learn to do well, and above. But that's not who I am. I'm just and average general kinda good guy. Nothing spectacular here. Nothing cool or interesting or anything at all. I'm just an ugly Joe Schmoe off the street, that only stands out for unattractiveness. That's the life I have now.
Saturday, April 14, 2012
What have I done wrong?
I know things I've done wrong, but that's not what I'm asking. Briana seems like she hates me or is just mad at me. And I know her well enough to know even if I don't stop asking she wouldn't tell me the truth. I hate girls. Why do they have so much power over me? Why am I so unlucky to fall for girls much too good for me? Why an I so ugly and unsocial? That's my problem. I'm an eye-sore. I may act nice but that can't make up for rotten (literally) looks. And then the maggots on the meat is I'm so antisocial. I'm completely fine sitting in silence. I can't think of things to say. Literally, my mind goes blank whenever I'm talking to people. And then when I do say things it's completely stupid or hurtful. That's why I've stopped talking- cause I've made too many mistakes when I've tried. Wanna know how bad I am at talking? I can't even carry on a conversation through electronics. I'm so retarded. I'm not good at anything. Im alright at a lot, but I don't stand out in anything. I'm not even good at being a hermit cause I whine and complain all the time. You know it's bad when you're annoyed of yourself. I just want all this to end. I need to get a grip- a hold on my life and actually do something for once. I'm so screwed over, and I'm scared of it.
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Mood killers
Ever have a time when your pretty happy, and then something someone says or does kills it? Yeah, I have too, and just happened again.
So… story time…
I was talking with Kristianna, helping her with something, and then we started having a normal conversation :) which made me happy, cause those happen less often now. Well, about the time after my last text, which she hasn't responded too :\, she twitter something along the lines of "every time I wish it's you…" now I'm just making assumptions but I'm 99% positive that she wishes every text was from Jordan, which I understand, cause he's her boyfriend. But it still hurts, cause basically she's saying she doesn't want to talk to me. And it sucks. Oh well.
I'm really starting to enjoy using this to rant and rage and vent and yeah. :) so tata for now my future self :) hope you're better than I am now :)
So… story time…
I was talking with Kristianna, helping her with something, and then we started having a normal conversation :) which made me happy, cause those happen less often now. Well, about the time after my last text, which she hasn't responded too :\, she twitter something along the lines of "every time I wish it's you…" now I'm just making assumptions but I'm 99% positive that she wishes every text was from Jordan, which I understand, cause he's her boyfriend. But it still hurts, cause basically she's saying she doesn't want to talk to me. And it sucks. Oh well.
I'm really starting to enjoy using this to rant and rage and vent and yeah. :) so tata for now my future self :) hope you're better than I am now :)
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Things I want to Say
So I'll probably do a lot of these, but what I did was type things I want to say in my notes section today cause I really needed to say something's, but I suck at talking to people, plus I'm more honest when I'm not saying it to/for people. So, here's today's:
Things I want to say
Dear Briana,
You are so cute and beautiful and amazing. I kinda like you a lot. Im 98% sure you don't like me, and that's fine cause I'll deal with it. I'm sorry if this ruins our friendship :( Id really hate for that to happen, but I really needed to tell you cause it was eating away at my insides. I'm sorry I'm such a jerk. I just have no idea how to behave or what to do. I really hope you don't hate me, or in your words 'dislike a lot'. But if you do, I would completely understand. I'm sorry I'm so stupid, I hope you can forgive me some day.
GM
I wish I could tell you I love you… but I don't have the courage too, and I'm too afraid that you'll hate me forever. I don't care if you like me or not, I just wish I knew for certain either way so I wouldn't be plagued by a glimmer of hope. That hope just makes it all the worse. Its very difficult to deal with. I'm sorry I'm such an idiot.
Why do you have to be so aggravatingly attractive?! Why can't I just get you out of my head? I feel like I might start crying from the shear hopelessness of it all gosh dang it. I hate that I love you.
Why is it so hard for me to understand and to handle my emotions? Why is it is hard for me to be happy with who I am? Why do I get sad over the silliest things? Why is it so hard for me to be happy? Why do I love you?
I really wish I knew what you thought of me. I'm hatching a plan to accidentally ask you, but I can't think of a reason why I would what to know. I wish I was a more talkative person, but I'm not, and I over think EVERYTHING. And I hate it. I wish there was someway I could just easily talk to people, but I'm not a people person. I don't even know what kind of person I am- or if I even constitute as a person anymore. I just wish I knew what to do.
There it is.
Things I want to say
Dear Briana,
You are so cute and beautiful and amazing. I kinda like you a lot. Im 98% sure you don't like me, and that's fine cause I'll deal with it. I'm sorry if this ruins our friendship :( Id really hate for that to happen, but I really needed to tell you cause it was eating away at my insides. I'm sorry I'm such a jerk. I just have no idea how to behave or what to do. I really hope you don't hate me, or in your words 'dislike a lot'. But if you do, I would completely understand. I'm sorry I'm so stupid, I hope you can forgive me some day.
GM
I wish I could tell you I love you… but I don't have the courage too, and I'm too afraid that you'll hate me forever. I don't care if you like me or not, I just wish I knew for certain either way so I wouldn't be plagued by a glimmer of hope. That hope just makes it all the worse. Its very difficult to deal with. I'm sorry I'm such an idiot.
Why do you have to be so aggravatingly attractive?! Why can't I just get you out of my head? I feel like I might start crying from the shear hopelessness of it all gosh dang it. I hate that I love you.
Why is it so hard for me to understand and to handle my emotions? Why is it is hard for me to be happy with who I am? Why do I get sad over the silliest things? Why is it so hard for me to be happy? Why do I love you?
I really wish I knew what you thought of me. I'm hatching a plan to accidentally ask you, but I can't think of a reason why I would what to know. I wish I was a more talkative person, but I'm not, and I over think EVERYTHING. And I hate it. I wish there was someway I could just easily talk to people, but I'm not a people person. I don't even know what kind of person I am- or if I even constitute as a person anymore. I just wish I knew what to do.
There it is.
Sunday, April 8, 2012
New blog
So this is probably going to be my new blog. Cause I was raging on my other one and then my parents found out and read it so I had to stop. :( this one I'll probably be more honest on because I'm 95% sure no one I care about will read this. :)
So… things that have been on my mind of late… Briana and Kristianna mostly. :P Briana, because… yeah, I kinda like her and sometimes I feel like she might like me and other times like she hates me. Its quite confusing and troublesome. And Kristianna, cause I feel like my friendship with her is thinning, and I know it's my fault. Why, my nonexistent reader might ask? Because for some stupid reason seeing her and Jordan makes me jealous, and kinda hurts me. And I feel at times like she's stopped caring about me, and ignored my silent cries for help over twitter. Though if I think about it, I kinda realize that that's my fault too cause I struggle with being open to people, and expressing myself. So when she's tried in the past I struggled with accepting it, and no she sees no point in trying. But it still hurts. And I'm still a baby. And the reason our friendship is thinner is because I've drawn away selfishly to protect myself (an it hasn't worked) twice. And then I choose to stop and rebuild the friendship, but it can't be as strong as before. And now that I recognize the consequences of my actions, I know I'll regret it for the rest of my life, and I think I'd rather suffer more pain to protect what's left of this rather than risk loosing it entirely. That's what's been on my mind lately(partly, not all of what's been in my mind I'll talk about)
Holy crap. That felt so good to get out in complete honesty :) more honest rages will happen my good reader of one :) (that's me :))
So… things that have been on my mind of late… Briana and Kristianna mostly. :P Briana, because… yeah, I kinda like her and sometimes I feel like she might like me and other times like she hates me. Its quite confusing and troublesome. And Kristianna, cause I feel like my friendship with her is thinning, and I know it's my fault. Why, my nonexistent reader might ask? Because for some stupid reason seeing her and Jordan makes me jealous, and kinda hurts me. And I feel at times like she's stopped caring about me, and ignored my silent cries for help over twitter. Though if I think about it, I kinda realize that that's my fault too cause I struggle with being open to people, and expressing myself. So when she's tried in the past I struggled with accepting it, and no she sees no point in trying. But it still hurts. And I'm still a baby. And the reason our friendship is thinner is because I've drawn away selfishly to protect myself (an it hasn't worked) twice. And then I choose to stop and rebuild the friendship, but it can't be as strong as before. And now that I recognize the consequences of my actions, I know I'll regret it for the rest of my life, and I think I'd rather suffer more pain to protect what's left of this rather than risk loosing it entirely. That's what's been on my mind lately(partly, not all of what's been in my mind I'll talk about)
Holy crap. That felt so good to get out in complete honesty :) more honest rages will happen my good reader of one :) (that's me :))
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