Śhver Rêćtœk

That means absolutely nothing. I just am not very good at titles, so I do gibberish.

One of the many things I dislike about myself is what I'm going to he talking about today.

I hate that I have to have a reason/excuse to talk to someone. I know I don't, but that's how I feel. For some reason I'm just not comfortable with starting a conversation just for conversations sake. I just don't know how to do it. Sure, I could just say 'Hey' but that's what I don't feel comfortable with doing. And I gets really aggravating when I really want to talk to someone, but I don't have a reason or excuse to. Because then I don't talk to anyone and I get further and further into to cycle. And it sucks.

That's all I guess.

Combination of thoughts

I've been feeling the pressure behind my eyes building for the last couple days, or weeks. I've been needing to cry for a long time. I've felt the tears behind my eyes sitting there. Almost hurting. Not quit, but still there. I feel selfish when I have thoughts of being a lone Cause I know theres people that care about me. But my emotions won't let me use my logic. And its killing me. It would be nice if I had a working bike, so I could hop on it and ride away, and let the stress and pressure out before I return. It would be nice indeed…

One thing we as human brings is to feel loved, to be loved. And this has always caused problems for me. Cause quite often I feel all alone, even when I'm surrounded by people. Feeling loved is something I don't know, and I fear I wouldn't recognize I was if someone did because I have no idea.

I just want to cry. But crying isn't what guys do. It's not what I do. I don't cry from sadness or pain, or anything. When I cry it's because I've been stopping myself for so long I can't control it. And there's not necessarily any reason. It's just my body had given up on me fighting the pressure and says enough is enough.

I'm tired of feeling like I have no one to turn to. And I know it's partly my fault, because I don't know what's wrong, and I duct know how to say things, and Im just all around awkward. I don't know how to deal with people, or ask for help. I don't even know how to give/get hugs. I don't know anything. I let fear rule my life because I'm scared of making people dislike me. I'm scared of making people feel awkward. I'm scared to look as weak as I really am. I'm scared of people finding out who I really am. I'm scares. And alone. And it hurts, but I deserve worse. I just need to grow the eff up and stop acting like such a freaking baby. Im an idiot.

From the heart

From the heart is where all truth comes. The mind is the place of fear and lies. When we open up our hearts, we open up ourselves
-Edward Matthews

I really need to stop caring so much. Stop worrying so much about my friends. Cause every time I do, I feel like crap. I feel worthless and useless. And it's because there's nothing I can do. I feel sick inside, because I can't help. I feel horrible, because I can't help. Not being to help my friends brings everything crashing in on me. It unbalances my mental see-saw. My logic is lessened whilst my emotion is increased. I don't think straight, and I just get deeper and deeper into despair. I hate myself for not being able to help. I feel like a horrible friend because there's nothing I can do. It ruins me, scares me, sickens me.

Another thing. I hate asking if someone's alright when I know they're not. Because I feel stupid and it opens it up for them to lie easier. But I have no idea how else to go about asking it. I have no clue how to present it other than "Are you doing alright?" I just dont. And I hate it. Hate it hate it hate it.

Things in need of being said

I'm not really sure how to go about this so I'm going to be as blunt and honest as possible. So be forewarned.

I hate having people worry about me. I just do. It makes me feel sick, and it makes me feel guilty. I don't know why, so don't ask. But I dont think I'm worth the time or energy of being worried about. When people worry about me, it makes me worried. Why or about what I have no idea. But I get feeling worried and guilty and I hate it. As I think about it, I think that may be a reason why I have such a hard time expressing myself, and sharing my feelings. I feel like this is my burden, and I don't want to add to others burdens. Thats just who I am. There's not too much I can do about it.

Have a picture that's very true for your enjoyment.

Literary Relationships

I have found a few characters from books we read in my English class this year that remind me a little of myself. What characters/what books, my audience of empty chairs might ask, well, that's what this post is about.

The first one is Arthur Dimmsdale, from The Scarlet Letter. What similarity do I see might I ask? He is letting one mistake rule, control, and ruin his life. He made one mistake, and it destroyed him.

The other one is Uncle John, from The Grapes of Wrath. He also let one mistake ruin and control his life.

A nincompoop might ask what the similarity is between these two and me. But, even thin air is smart enough to figure it out. And that's what you are, thin air. I am letting one mistake (a mistake repeated over and over again, granted, but still one mistake) ruin me. It's ruined my ability to make friendships, and to progress in life. Its destroying my soul and my existence. I am falling into patterns set down in books.

I'm not really sure where else I was going this post. But, I needed to say it, so there you have it.

In Mind Defying Youth Is Never Gained

Acronyms are a lovely thing aren't they ^.-

…And I'm tryin' not love you
But I hate the way I keep on givin'
Into you like I always do
No matter how I try
Or maybe could it be
That you're the part of me
That's keeping me alive?
How am I supposed to break this spell you got me under?
I'm so addicted to the pain…
Those are words to the song 'Break the Spell' by Daughtry, and those words are often running through my head. For good reason too.

You know, as much as it bothers me, it's kinda blessing that I like Briana. Why I might ask? Because its kept me from falling for people I know I don't want to, and who it's hard not to. It's helped by giving me someone who isn't as close to me. Its helped me keep friendships easier, and I've made one too.


Let It be Found Everywhere Happiness And Safety. Men Engage the Dastardly Opponent When Necessary.

Yay! Acronyms!

Things to say

No matter how I feel about life, I know I am incredibly lucky. For many reasons. But the one I'm thinking of is how lucky I am with friends. I am so lucky to have such great friends. So thank you so much :)

One thing that I want to say, but I don't know how to say it, and it's kinda awkward for me, but what I feel the need to say sometimes is "I love you". Kinda stupid I know. But I just want my friends to know that I do love them and that I am very grateful to them. I wish that I had the courage to tell them, but I dont. And I'm scared of how they'll react.

When one of my friends is feeling bad, or something whatever, but it makes me sick to my stomach because I want to help. But sometimes I'm too scared to see if I can, or they aren't willing to let me help, or there's nothing I can do to help. And that's the worst. Because I feel like a horrible friend. It makes me sick to my stomach, and feel like crying. It kinda really sucks. But I'm just such an empathetic person. (did you know, that according to a recent study on empathy that empathy is a general mammalian trait? Also, people who yawn more, are more empathetic. I guess that's why I yawn all time)

I think that's all I have to say. Thanks so much mine friends. I wish there was some way I could better express myself. Love you :)