Nice to get this off my chest

I feel kinda bad for seemingly always complaining on here, this is just where I turn to when I have no where else to go.

So, there are two things really that I just need to get off my chest. I have a feeling that they'll be long, but they have a habit of being shorter than I expect. So, here goes.

So I have this friend. And I have the feeling that they hate me now. And it's fairly supported, cause they've told me that I've done things to belittle their ideas and things they've said when we're face to face. I have never intentionally done that, and so I asked what I did wrong so I could make sure that I didn't do it again. But, they wouldn't tell me. This was last Friday. Friday night, and a good majority of Saturday I was making myself sick just thinking about it. But there's nothing I can do. They used to be one of my best friends. And now, I would say it would be quite lucky if we were still friends after graduation. And I hate how it's just slipping away, and there's nothing I can do. You know the funny thing? There was a point where I could see myself marrying her, and being happy. (funny thing about that, I didn't actually like when I thought like that). But now, I am fairly certain that I wouldn't be happy. I guess we just don't have compatible personality types or something. But, I really wish I could have my friend back.

The second thing doesn't seem like that big of a deal anymore after writing that, but I probably should still get it off my chest. I have this other friend, and I am starting to get the feeling that she may like me. Which sucks, cause it's confusing me about my feelings. And I honestly don't have time for it. I'm trying to ready myself for a mission in a year, and I can't let myself be distracted by girls. And there's other things there too, which makes me not feel too comfortable with anything going on between us. Don't get me wrong, she's an amazing girl and everything, it's just I can't do that to people. And I feel bad, cause I think I may be leading her on a little bit, but I really have no idea. I have absolutely no idea about anything when it comes to girls. I mean, I didn't really have a friend that was a girl until 10th grade. My first crush was the third to last day of 6th grade. I'm a novice at this. I have no idea what I'm doing. And I don't want to hurt anyone here. And I get the feeling that it really isn't 'real' per se, just because I feel like it may be Satan warping emotions here to try and distract me from a mission.

Man. Girls are ridiculous. There are times when I quite honestly wish I could say that I hated them. But I can't. Girls, can't live with them, can't live without them.

And I'm sure nothing will change after my mission.

Stormy thoughts

I just want to warn you that this is going to be a big rant (at least that's how it seems in my head)

I have so much going on. I just feel like my grasp on life and reality is slipping. I'm drowning myself in guilt and self loathing. I've messed up pretty badly, and I keep messing up. No matter what steps forward I keep sliding back. And I hate it, and myself, for it. I just wish I could go back to my twelve-year-old self and warn him. I wish I could back and change it so it would never had happened. Because I can trace a good majority of my issues back to that. And I just want to change.

I honestly hate how lonely I feel. I really wish I was the kind of person that didn't have walls built up around him. I really just don't like help, and I have trouble trusting people, and having the courage to tell people. I just can't talk to people like that. I'm great at listening to that, but I can't do the talking there. And I hate sometimes, cause I feel like that's what I need, but I know I won't be able to do it.

I really just wish I could pull myself through, change, and be able to forgive myself. The only thing I can see helping me is knowing: a) I haven't been struck down yet, so obviously God thinks I can keep going b) the only consistency in life is change, and so I'll be able to change if I keep working, and c) if I make it and do change, and am forgiven by God, knowing God, someone who is perfect can forgive me, will help me work through forgiving myself.

I hate how hopeless I am, and how hopeless I feel. I just need to pull myself together.
I just feel so alone. And it's a self inflicted loneliness.
I just want to be happy.

Short one

So, what I have to say right now is pretty short, but it's what's on my mind. So, I'm trying to stop using twitter, so I'm trying my hardest not to look at it, I've deleted the app, so I'm trying my best. Not doing the greatest, but whatever.

But I realized just recently there will be at least one thing that I will miss about it. And that's Kara, because I hardly ever see her, so I have no idea what goes on in her life, and that just kinda widens the gap a little. But, it gives me an excuse to talk to her or hang out with her a little more often, yes? ;) Haha, whatever. All things will work out. Twitter isn't even that great anyways. I realized last night that I felt disconnected from everybody because of no more twitter, but then I realized twitter has a way of making you feel connected when your still disconnected. So without twitter, I'm not fooling my emotions and tricking myself into feeling one thing while experiencing the opposite. It helps make me more me, and makes me be more true to myself. Make sense?

Well, that's all I really have to say today, so coo coo cachoo :)

I'm not very good at titles :\

First off, I just want to apologize for always complaining. My life really is good, I just don't have really any other place I feel comfortable saying some of these things, and I just need to get them off of my chest every once in awhile, ya know?

Ever feel like you just don't belong somewhere? Like your there, but you shouldn't be? Cause that's how I feel a bunch of the time in band-especially in jazz band. Cause I just sit there surround by a bunch of musicians and people who can, and are good at, play(ing) music. And I'm there sucking it up, just trying to play the notes. And then even when we're not playing music, I still don't feel like I belong. I don't know. I'm just no good at talking to or interacting with people. A thought I had today was "I'm not cut out for being a teenager. I'm too old and too young for that". I don't really know how else to describe it.

I hate how lonely I feel. I just feel the need to have someone to talk to, someone I can trust and rely on, but there's nobody there. Cause I care too much about what some of my friends think of me, and I don't trust people to begin with. And this feeling of loneliness is one I'm sure I'll have to deal with for a long time, because the chances of me ever finding a girl that actually likes me, and one I don't completely screw my chances up with, are quite slim. And when I think about it for too long, it really messes up my mentality and logicalness.

I hate how I feel like I'm loosing my friendship with one of my good friends. And it's because I'm dumb, and I think too hard about things, and then I do stupid things. And I hate it. But I can't help how I automatically react inside. I guess there's a benefit of me getting rid of my twitter, cause I can't see what they say, and I have one less outlet to say stupid things that I'm feeling at the time. I don't what I'm supposed to do with them. I feel the need to apologize, but I'm not exactly sure what for. And I'm not sure if they would understand. Or if I would have the guts to explain myself to them. I don't man. I just keep messing things up I think, cause I tend to ignore people when I'm in a crappy mood. And its happening a lot more, especially because of them. And so I tend to ignore them as a way to shield myself, and I can tell its pushing us apart. But I'm just a big dummy, so what do I know? I mean, I can't even carry on a simple texting conversation with them. Maybe it's just meant to never happen. It might just be a friendship that will disappear after graduation, like every single other one of my friendships, because I'm a big fat dummy. Man, I shouldn't be thinking this hard about these things.

On the bright side, I got a clarinet for Christmas, so that's fun :)

Hugs

Honestly, I have a crap ton of stuff I guess I need to say, but I really don't want to rant about everything right now, so here's one thing that's been bothering for a while.

So, as the title says 'Hugs'. They're great things, huh? Yeah, well, I think so too. Except I don't think other people realize that. Especially a few of my friends. (in all actuality it's probably one, but I refuse to say names). And I feel this way because I see them hugging other people all the time. And we're pretty good friends, and they've hugged me a total of 15ish times. (just throwing out a guess there, but it may be lower or higher, but probably lower). And for most people this wouldn't be a big deal I guess. But, for some reason it just really bothers me. And I hate it. Yeah, I know I could ask for hugs, but I HATE asking for things. I don't know, I'm Mr. Stereotypical Guy when it comes to asking for things/help. I guess that may be my problem, but I'm pretty sure it isn't. I don't know. I just hate how lonely/left out I feel when I see my friends hugging people, and I'm just standing by myself trying to stay outwardly nonchalant. It freaking sucks.

Things

So, yesterday was Snowball, and honestly it was the most fun I've had at a dance ever. I went with Kristianna, and it was just super duper fun :) it was quite a good last dance to go too :) and if anyone ever reads this, I hope you don't misinterpret this as me asking for people to ask me to girl choice dances, because that's not what I'm doing. I'm just nearly positive that I won't be going to another dance this year. Because two out of the three remaining dances are girl choice dances. And since my range of friends of the opposite gender is rather limited, I'm fairly certain I won't get asked to either Sweethearts or Morp. And I'm pretty sure I won't be asking anybody to Prom this year, so Snowball was probably my last dance. And it was a great last one :) that's all :)

Summer, life, things in general

So, since school is about to start, I figure I might as well talk about my summer. And keeping in pattern with my previous posts, I'm going to be pretty blatant, I guess is the best way to say it. I'm going to speak my opinions plainly, because I have no fear of people actually reading this because I'm super awesome and people don't care about me. Kind of an oxymoron I know. But still, that's how these things work.

So, really all I did this summer comes down to 3 or 4 things. 1) I did marching band 2) I had a Biology 1090 class 3) I sat at home all day super bored. Number four is a sometimes thing, that happened on rare occasions, and it was I hung out with friends. Which usually came down to playing magic the gathering for a few hours. It was a super fun summer, let me tell you. And you know, I questioned a lot of things. Like how true my friendships are. Because, it seems to me that the people I call friends are more like school friends than true friends. They're people that you see once in awhile, someone you talk to once in awhile, and that's it. You don't really do anything with them. That's all fine and dandy, because I'm super lame and can never think of anything to say/do, but how do you think I got that way? Because I never do anything with people. Or you know, I just lucked out with my cup from the gene pool and I got a large mesh of socially awkward genes. Which is probably the more likely case. But nevertheless, it kind of super sucks.

One thing I have learned this summer is that I kinda super duper suck and conversations. My mind just goes blank (which isn't hard for it to happen) and I have no idea what to say to continue conversation. It sucks, because sometimes I just need that human contact, and I have absolutely nothing to say, so the conversation just dies.

One thing I've pondered as I've tried to figure out what is wrong with me is maybe some parts of my personality matured to fast while others didn't mature fast enough, and that's why I can't seem to feel like I fit in. Maybe that's how it is with teenagers in general, but maybe parts of my personality went opposite than normal people went. Who knows? Not I. Something to think about I guess.

May I just say, sometimes girls, and people in general I guess, are more trouble than they're worth? Especially when they don't care about you, and your mind is flooded with them, despite how much you try to stop it? Yeah, it kinda sucks, especially when you're a super awkward socially retarded average kid like me. Oh the joys of life.