Stormy thoughts

I just want to warn you that this is going to be a big rant (at least that's how it seems in my head)

I have so much going on. I just feel like my grasp on life and reality is slipping. I'm drowning myself in guilt and self loathing. I've messed up pretty badly, and I keep messing up. No matter what steps forward I keep sliding back. And I hate it, and myself, for it. I just wish I could go back to my twelve-year-old self and warn him. I wish I could back and change it so it would never had happened. Because I can trace a good majority of my issues back to that. And I just want to change.

I honestly hate how lonely I feel. I really wish I was the kind of person that didn't have walls built up around him. I really just don't like help, and I have trouble trusting people, and having the courage to tell people. I just can't talk to people like that. I'm great at listening to that, but I can't do the talking there. And I hate sometimes, cause I feel like that's what I need, but I know I won't be able to do it.

I really just wish I could pull myself through, change, and be able to forgive myself. The only thing I can see helping me is knowing: a) I haven't been struck down yet, so obviously God thinks I can keep going b) the only consistency in life is change, and so I'll be able to change if I keep working, and c) if I make it and do change, and am forgiven by God, knowing God, someone who is perfect can forgive me, will help me work through forgiving myself.

I hate how hopeless I am, and how hopeless I feel. I just need to pull myself together.
I just feel so alone. And it's a self inflicted loneliness.
I just want to be happy.