Updates on life I guess

I'm not even sure if anyone will read this because I doubt people even bother checking cause it's been so long since I posted, but I have a lot of things on my mind and google plus just isn't going to cut it because of the nature of what I'm saying.  I'm not even sure if I'll even post this, but it you're reading this (if anyone does) I guess I did. 

So, first of all, I'm going to the Cebu, Philippines mission on  November 20, but I'm firs going to the Provo MTC, which is part what is causing these thoughts and such.  So, I've mentioned in previous posts liking this girl. Well that's still going on. And it's kind of rough sometimes, because I shouldn't being worrying about that stuff now. And I think about it too much too. 

She really means a lot to me. She's such an amazing friend, and I really am lucky to have such a great friend. I honestly want to be friends with her forever. Sometimes though I feel like that's not possible or something. Because I feel like we're either too much alike or nothing alike. I don't even know how to explain it. I felt like I had more to say when I started this. But I've just been suppressing my emotions, including this stuff, for so long that it's hard to let stuff out. I don't know. These things are just rough. And I'm kind of really dumb. Whatever. I have at least two and half years till these things will really start to matter, and if things go the way I'm feeling right now, or wanting, then it'll be three to three in a half years. 

I sigh a lot when typing these things. Oh well. Life will happen however it wants to. 

To tell you the truth...

To tell you the truth, I honestly feel like a retard. Pretty much all the time. And yes, I know this is going to be a short post. Yes I could have posted it on Google Plus, but I don't care. Cause sometimes I want to complain without people asking me about it, or worrying about it. And I can't do that anymore on Google Plus. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing. But sometimes I just need to complain without having any confidence that people may see it. So there you are, I'm kind of really retarded, and I just feel stupid. A lot. So there you have it.

Girls are dumb

I don't really know how to start this or anything, so I'm just gonna dive in and hopefully it can make some sense.

So in my last post (Nice to get this off my chest) I mentioned that I felt like one of my friends was starting to like me. Well, I'm pretty sure she does. And I'm pretty sure I like her. And that sucks. I feel like it's only a matter of time till she tells me, or we actually talk about it, or whatever. And I'm scared because I'm going to have to tell her that, though I really do like her, I don't want to go out with her. I really don't want a girlfriend right now. I don't want to have a girl at home that feels expected to wait for me while I'm on my mission, and I don't want a 'Dear John' letter. If a girl waits for me, that's fine. But I don't want to leave knowing there's a girl waiting for me, you know? And she's one of my best friends, and was before this whole emotion/feeling fiasco deal thing. And I really don't want to risk that friendship. I've said it before, and I'll say it again, I'd rather have a friendship that lasts forever than a temporary relationship. There's no way I'm getting married instead of going on a mission, so I don't really see the point of have a girlfriend. But the problem is, that's what I feel is what I have to do. Yeah, at the time of that conversation, I may very well want to, but I can't. I can't let myself do that. And I'm scared it might hurt her a little bit. I'm sure she'd understand, but understanding something doesn't make the pain go away. Don't get me wrong, I love talking to her all the time, but I really wish I didn't have to deal with it.

And something that makes it worse, I guess, is it's not really true. It might be actually. But, this could very well be a tool of Satan to try and stop me from a mission. And I hate thinking that.

Blah.
Blah.
Meh... girls. I wish I had words that would accurately describe how I'm feeling. But, I'm not the best at doing that. I don't even really know how I'm feeling.

Girls are dumb.
Boys are dumb.

Girls are dumb.

Nice to get this off my chest

I feel kinda bad for seemingly always complaining on here, this is just where I turn to when I have no where else to go.

So, there are two things really that I just need to get off my chest. I have a feeling that they'll be long, but they have a habit of being shorter than I expect. So, here goes.

So I have this friend. And I have the feeling that they hate me now. And it's fairly supported, cause they've told me that I've done things to belittle their ideas and things they've said when we're face to face. I have never intentionally done that, and so I asked what I did wrong so I could make sure that I didn't do it again. But, they wouldn't tell me. This was last Friday. Friday night, and a good majority of Saturday I was making myself sick just thinking about it. But there's nothing I can do. They used to be one of my best friends. And now, I would say it would be quite lucky if we were still friends after graduation. And I hate how it's just slipping away, and there's nothing I can do. You know the funny thing? There was a point where I could see myself marrying her, and being happy. (funny thing about that, I didn't actually like when I thought like that). But now, I am fairly certain that I wouldn't be happy. I guess we just don't have compatible personality types or something. But, I really wish I could have my friend back.

The second thing doesn't seem like that big of a deal anymore after writing that, but I probably should still get it off my chest. I have this other friend, and I am starting to get the feeling that she may like me. Which sucks, cause it's confusing me about my feelings. And I honestly don't have time for it. I'm trying to ready myself for a mission in a year, and I can't let myself be distracted by girls. And there's other things there too, which makes me not feel too comfortable with anything going on between us. Don't get me wrong, she's an amazing girl and everything, it's just I can't do that to people. And I feel bad, cause I think I may be leading her on a little bit, but I really have no idea. I have absolutely no idea about anything when it comes to girls. I mean, I didn't really have a friend that was a girl until 10th grade. My first crush was the third to last day of 6th grade. I'm a novice at this. I have no idea what I'm doing. And I don't want to hurt anyone here. And I get the feeling that it really isn't 'real' per se, just because I feel like it may be Satan warping emotions here to try and distract me from a mission.

Man. Girls are ridiculous. There are times when I quite honestly wish I could say that I hated them. But I can't. Girls, can't live with them, can't live without them.

And I'm sure nothing will change after my mission.

Stormy thoughts

I just want to warn you that this is going to be a big rant (at least that's how it seems in my head)

I have so much going on. I just feel like my grasp on life and reality is slipping. I'm drowning myself in guilt and self loathing. I've messed up pretty badly, and I keep messing up. No matter what steps forward I keep sliding back. And I hate it, and myself, for it. I just wish I could go back to my twelve-year-old self and warn him. I wish I could back and change it so it would never had happened. Because I can trace a good majority of my issues back to that. And I just want to change.

I honestly hate how lonely I feel. I really wish I was the kind of person that didn't have walls built up around him. I really just don't like help, and I have trouble trusting people, and having the courage to tell people. I just can't talk to people like that. I'm great at listening to that, but I can't do the talking there. And I hate sometimes, cause I feel like that's what I need, but I know I won't be able to do it.

I really just wish I could pull myself through, change, and be able to forgive myself. The only thing I can see helping me is knowing: a) I haven't been struck down yet, so obviously God thinks I can keep going b) the only consistency in life is change, and so I'll be able to change if I keep working, and c) if I make it and do change, and am forgiven by God, knowing God, someone who is perfect can forgive me, will help me work through forgiving myself.

I hate how hopeless I am, and how hopeless I feel. I just need to pull myself together.
I just feel so alone. And it's a self inflicted loneliness.
I just want to be happy.

Short one

So, what I have to say right now is pretty short, but it's what's on my mind. So, I'm trying to stop using twitter, so I'm trying my hardest not to look at it, I've deleted the app, so I'm trying my best. Not doing the greatest, but whatever.

But I realized just recently there will be at least one thing that I will miss about it. And that's Kara, because I hardly ever see her, so I have no idea what goes on in her life, and that just kinda widens the gap a little. But, it gives me an excuse to talk to her or hang out with her a little more often, yes? ;) Haha, whatever. All things will work out. Twitter isn't even that great anyways. I realized last night that I felt disconnected from everybody because of no more twitter, but then I realized twitter has a way of making you feel connected when your still disconnected. So without twitter, I'm not fooling my emotions and tricking myself into feeling one thing while experiencing the opposite. It helps make me more me, and makes me be more true to myself. Make sense?

Well, that's all I really have to say today, so coo coo cachoo :)

I'm not very good at titles :\

First off, I just want to apologize for always complaining. My life really is good, I just don't have really any other place I feel comfortable saying some of these things, and I just need to get them off of my chest every once in awhile, ya know?

Ever feel like you just don't belong somewhere? Like your there, but you shouldn't be? Cause that's how I feel a bunch of the time in band-especially in jazz band. Cause I just sit there surround by a bunch of musicians and people who can, and are good at, play(ing) music. And I'm there sucking it up, just trying to play the notes. And then even when we're not playing music, I still don't feel like I belong. I don't know. I'm just no good at talking to or interacting with people. A thought I had today was "I'm not cut out for being a teenager. I'm too old and too young for that". I don't really know how else to describe it.

I hate how lonely I feel. I just feel the need to have someone to talk to, someone I can trust and rely on, but there's nobody there. Cause I care too much about what some of my friends think of me, and I don't trust people to begin with. And this feeling of loneliness is one I'm sure I'll have to deal with for a long time, because the chances of me ever finding a girl that actually likes me, and one I don't completely screw my chances up with, are quite slim. And when I think about it for too long, it really messes up my mentality and logicalness.

I hate how I feel like I'm loosing my friendship with one of my good friends. And it's because I'm dumb, and I think too hard about things, and then I do stupid things. And I hate it. But I can't help how I automatically react inside. I guess there's a benefit of me getting rid of my twitter, cause I can't see what they say, and I have one less outlet to say stupid things that I'm feeling at the time. I don't what I'm supposed to do with them. I feel the need to apologize, but I'm not exactly sure what for. And I'm not sure if they would understand. Or if I would have the guts to explain myself to them. I don't man. I just keep messing things up I think, cause I tend to ignore people when I'm in a crappy mood. And its happening a lot more, especially because of them. And so I tend to ignore them as a way to shield myself, and I can tell its pushing us apart. But I'm just a big dummy, so what do I know? I mean, I can't even carry on a simple texting conversation with them. Maybe it's just meant to never happen. It might just be a friendship that will disappear after graduation, like every single other one of my friendships, because I'm a big fat dummy. Man, I shouldn't be thinking this hard about these things.

On the bright side, I got a clarinet for Christmas, so that's fun :)