Thoughts of a sad and tired mind

*WARNING* This post is probably going to get rather emotionally intense and personal for me if it goes the way its feeling in my head right now. In no way should you feel obligated to read it. I'm just getting some stuff out of my system. Proceed with discretion. *WARNING*

I have a lot of stuff on my mind right now, tonight. And a lot of its about you. I'm starting to get a feeling, I think, about how much I'm going to miss you for these next three years. I don't want to sound selfish, but I'm also kind of worried about how you'll handle it. I know you'll be okay, but okay doesn't make things any easier. But I don't know how to bring this up with you, if I want to, if I should, or if it's even a good idea. It really probably isn't though, so perhaps its best not too try and think up ways to talk about it. 

I realized tonight how close the last time I'll get to see you, and the last time I'll have a conversation that isn't taking place across weeks but actually happening with you, is getting. November 20 seems so close. But in reality, the last time I'll probably see you is the 18th. Unless somehow we swing a early afternoon rendezvous on the Tuesday. And the last time we'll have a conversation is early afternoon Tuesday. Because I'll be getting set apart Tuesday evening, and after that no technology. And it wouldn't matter if I saw you, because I wouldn't be able to hug you. 

I started thinking about the last time we'll see each other, and what we might say, and what might happen. And it bummed me out. It just made me really sad thinking of my last chance to see you for three years. And I'll be honest, I just about cried thinking about it. It's going to suck, but there's nothing I can do about it. The days are going fast and it's almost time for me to go. And boy oh boy am I going to miss you. 

On a completely seperate note, whose only link to the topic previously discussed is the fact that it's been on my mind tonight as well, I'm starting to realize how important and necessary hope is. I've lived so long without hope, just tearing myself down while trying to get up. And that plain doesn't work. Hope and faith go hand in hand, and if hope isn't there how can faith be? I am now gaining hope, through Gods grace, that I can change my ways and become a better person. I still tear myself down, but it's getting easier to stop and move on. Not forgive myself. Not yet. I'm not ready to forgive myself yet, but I'm becoming able to move on with myself rather than sit back damned. Because that's what the scriptural damning means. It's the same as the common place dam we use. It means to halt in progression- to back up. Hold back. And now, the flood gates are starting to be opened, and the river of my life, my existence, is starting to be allowed to return to the path meant for it and not the one chosen by man. 

Never let yourself lose hope. No matter how bad things get. Because it you let go of hope you let go of everything, and you'll lose yourself. And it'll take struggleing, hardship, and heartache for you to find yourself and your hope again. Take it from someone who has made that mistake. Don't give up on yourself. Because God hasn't, and he's perfect. If he knows your potential for greatness and knows you can change your ways if you so chose, then you better believe in yourself. 

Because iPods are dumb

So, my iPod is retarded and won't let me comment on my previous post. And I'm too lazy to edit it, so here's a second post. Read it as an attachment to the previous one, okay? :)

Oh, and if you ever want to ask me anything feel free. I try to be a nonchalant and easy going person, and as such I tend to not be easily offended. If I'm not comfortable with the question I'll tell you, but if you ask me I will answer honestly, and (hopefully) without fear of what you-the askee- may think. :)

As a way of clarification

The more I think about the things I say the more I fear that what I felt was clear and understandable was not taken in the way I mean it. So as a way of clarification, and a way to ease my concious and of those that may have misunderstood what I said I will better explain myself. 

First of all, my life really isn't as bad as I may make it seem. I really just use the blog as a venting place. Ergo I really only post to complain about stuff. Which is happening less and less because I have an amazing best friend, and because I'm trying to change my life view to a more optomistic and hopeful one. But like everyone else, I have my rough points. And since I feel bad for burdening others with my woes, and I feel uncomfortable doing so, it's easier for my to do it to a relatively unknown audience. Its nothing against the merits of my friendship with anyone. It's just the way my messed up brain functions. To go into further detail of what I stated at the begginng of this paragraph the things I complain about are usually few and far between occurrences. To go into specific example of what I mean take my last post. In there I said something to the effect of not being able to handle dealing with a person but doing it anyways for them. That is not even close to common. Yes it happens once in awhile, but I have issues handling everyone, including myself. Just because it happens very rarely in no way means that you just hurt me. It's quite the opposite really. For this specific case I must say that at least 99.8% of the time I absolutely love interacting with you. It's that rogue two tenths of a time that I don't. And the number is shrinking. One of my biggest fears (and things that I constantly worry about) is that those whom I say can tell me anything don't feel like they can because of something I may have said or done. It absolutely terrifies me. When I say that you can tell me anything I mean it. And I feel bad when I feel like people don't feel comfortable doing so. 

I guess what I want the takeaway to be from this here post is the things I complain about here aren't constant. They're usually very rare, and are actually growing rarer. Please, to whomever may read this, do not generalize my complaints into an average occurrence. Because that simply isn't true, otherwise there'd probably be a ton more posts on this blog. I'm human, and like everyone else, I have my rough patches of life. I don't really always understand my own emotions. And I hardly think before I act. But that doesn't mean that I don't care about my friends. Just because I think about the future too much even though I may sometimes have no idea how I want things to go doesn't change that fact. Nothing will. I care about my friends, despite my flaws. And I honestly mean it when I say my friends happiness is worth so much more than my own. That's just the way I view my life and relationships. 

So please remember these complaints are only temporary blips on the graph of life. I really am truly lucky and grateful for all I have, especially the fact of how great of a best friend- and other friends in general- I have. Please keep that in mind in relation to all I may complain about. Please. 

A Rant of Honesty and Rage

There are sometimes when I absolutely beyond a doubt just completely despise myself and everything about me. Now's one of those times. I would say hate, but I feel like I hate is more long term. And I hope that this won't be long term, and I don't think it will be. So despise I feel is appropriate to describe it. 

I am just such an idiot. I don't know how to leave well enough alone. Everything one does/sees/says/etc. gets stored up in their brain. But with me for some reason all the crap is what I can actively and consciously remember. And it's killing me. I've really done a good job on setting myself on a path to destruction. Thankfully, things are starting to look up and I feel like my boats finally making progress upstream. But even once I'm forgive this mess and mistake I've made will always be a load I carry. And it scares me that it might send me into relapses. I hate what I've done, and I despise myself for doing it. I want to change, and I hope and pray that I'll be able to. 

I absolutely hate how judgmental I can be even when I try my very hardest not to. I know I have no place to make any judgements or assumptions or anything, because of what I've done, and lots of times that helps. But sometimes my stupid brain wont let it work that way. So those things eat and gnaw away at my insides and cause me to feel physically sick. And I hate hate hate it.  I quite honestly just want to get away from everyone and be on my mission focusing on God and others, forgetting about life back here. I know it sounds awful, but I want to get away from even the people I can most about. Sometimes I just can't handle people or life. I just want to lose myself in the gospel service so I can stop being so self absorbed.  I know it's unfair and unkind to say this but I want to forget everyone here at home and be serving God and only thinking about his children I am able to help. 

I know I am a terrible awful person. I tell myself that almost every single day, and I have for years. I don't know what I want or how I feel most of the time. I have no idea what's going to happen or what I even want or hope to happen with the person I've mentioned in previous posts.  Sometimes I want one thing, and other times I feel like that is a horrible terrible idea and it'll never work. I have no idea about anything. I do know I should stop worrying so much about it because it doesn't even matter now, and it won't for a couple of years more. I'll be honest though. Sometimes I just plain can't handle dealing with you. I still do and will for your sake, but sometimes my emotional confusion and my feelings are just overwhelming and I can't handle dealing with you right then. I'm sorry I still do, because it's not fair to you that I do. But its also not fair that even though I trust you almost more than anyone else I'm too scared to tell you. I'm sorry I'm awful. I really am. But this is me and my terrible self, and I don't know how much or what will change. 

My brain is torturing me. I am torturing myself. I have scars to prove it, whether they be emotional, spiritual, or physical they are there. One thing I've learned though is pain helps nothing. It doesn't adequately distract nor does it help one feel better. I honestly just despise myself though. But I hope some day that that can change, and that I can one day look in the mirror and say "I like that guy. He's gone through his own Hell, but has made it out without losing himself. He now has control of himself and is a good guy. I'm glad I know him." That would be a glorious and wonderful day. 

I'm sorry if Ive said anything that has offended anyone who might chance upon reading this angry rant of mine. I do not mean to offend, but right now I don't really care if I do or did. I really am tired of walking on eggshells around everyone all the time. And so it exploded out tonight. I'm glad it exploded here, and not at my family as it regrettably has before. I hope and pray that this explosive rant means I won't explode at people in real life. Because that just makes me feel worse. 

I'm glad I have this blog to turn to when I'm too scared to turn to one person or a place I'm confident people will see. I really am a coward and am terrified of people's opinions. This little 'secret' blog of mine is a solace to go to and complain to my hearts content. Because sometimes I want the possibility of people seeing without the guarantee. Because if I wanted nobody to see it I would write it down or text it to myself. This rant did help me feel a little better, because I was as honest with my feelings as I could be without sharing too personal of information. 

If anyone I know does read this, I am sorry. And now I mean it. But I want you to know if you're reading this and you know me, and I thank you for your friendship and your care. 

A picture is worth a thousand words...

This picture here pretty much sums up the way I'm feeling right now. I'm not going to explain it, because I feel it's fairly obvious. But if you want clarification or confirmation feel free to ask me privately. (As if anyone reads this.. Haha)

Updates on life I guess

I'm not even sure if anyone will read this because I doubt people even bother checking cause it's been so long since I posted, but I have a lot of things on my mind and google plus just isn't going to cut it because of the nature of what I'm saying.  I'm not even sure if I'll even post this, but it you're reading this (if anyone does) I guess I did. 

So, first of all, I'm going to the Cebu, Philippines mission on  November 20, but I'm firs going to the Provo MTC, which is part what is causing these thoughts and such.  So, I've mentioned in previous posts liking this girl. Well that's still going on. And it's kind of rough sometimes, because I shouldn't being worrying about that stuff now. And I think about it too much too. 

She really means a lot to me. She's such an amazing friend, and I really am lucky to have such a great friend. I honestly want to be friends with her forever. Sometimes though I feel like that's not possible or something. Because I feel like we're either too much alike or nothing alike. I don't even know how to explain it. I felt like I had more to say when I started this. But I've just been suppressing my emotions, including this stuff, for so long that it's hard to let stuff out. I don't know. These things are just rough. And I'm kind of really dumb. Whatever. I have at least two and half years till these things will really start to matter, and if things go the way I'm feeling right now, or wanting, then it'll be three to three in a half years. 

I sigh a lot when typing these things. Oh well. Life will happen however it wants to. 

To tell you the truth...

To tell you the truth, I honestly feel like a retard. Pretty much all the time. And yes, I know this is going to be a short post. Yes I could have posted it on Google Plus, but I don't care. Cause sometimes I want to complain without people asking me about it, or worrying about it. And I can't do that anymore on Google Plus. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing. But sometimes I just need to complain without having any confidence that people may see it. So there you are, I'm kind of really retarded, and I just feel stupid. A lot. So there you have it.

Girls are dumb

I don't really know how to start this or anything, so I'm just gonna dive in and hopefully it can make some sense.

So in my last post (Nice to get this off my chest) I mentioned that I felt like one of my friends was starting to like me. Well, I'm pretty sure she does. And I'm pretty sure I like her. And that sucks. I feel like it's only a matter of time till she tells me, or we actually talk about it, or whatever. And I'm scared because I'm going to have to tell her that, though I really do like her, I don't want to go out with her. I really don't want a girlfriend right now. I don't want to have a girl at home that feels expected to wait for me while I'm on my mission, and I don't want a 'Dear John' letter. If a girl waits for me, that's fine. But I don't want to leave knowing there's a girl waiting for me, you know? And she's one of my best friends, and was before this whole emotion/feeling fiasco deal thing. And I really don't want to risk that friendship. I've said it before, and I'll say it again, I'd rather have a friendship that lasts forever than a temporary relationship. There's no way I'm getting married instead of going on a mission, so I don't really see the point of have a girlfriend. But the problem is, that's what I feel is what I have to do. Yeah, at the time of that conversation, I may very well want to, but I can't. I can't let myself do that. And I'm scared it might hurt her a little bit. I'm sure she'd understand, but understanding something doesn't make the pain go away. Don't get me wrong, I love talking to her all the time, but I really wish I didn't have to deal with it.

And something that makes it worse, I guess, is it's not really true. It might be actually. But, this could very well be a tool of Satan to try and stop me from a mission. And I hate thinking that.

Blah.
Blah.
Meh... girls. I wish I had words that would accurately describe how I'm feeling. But, I'm not the best at doing that. I don't even really know how I'm feeling.

Girls are dumb.
Boys are dumb.

Girls are dumb.

Nice to get this off my chest

I feel kinda bad for seemingly always complaining on here, this is just where I turn to when I have no where else to go.

So, there are two things really that I just need to get off my chest. I have a feeling that they'll be long, but they have a habit of being shorter than I expect. So, here goes.

So I have this friend. And I have the feeling that they hate me now. And it's fairly supported, cause they've told me that I've done things to belittle their ideas and things they've said when we're face to face. I have never intentionally done that, and so I asked what I did wrong so I could make sure that I didn't do it again. But, they wouldn't tell me. This was last Friday. Friday night, and a good majority of Saturday I was making myself sick just thinking about it. But there's nothing I can do. They used to be one of my best friends. And now, I would say it would be quite lucky if we were still friends after graduation. And I hate how it's just slipping away, and there's nothing I can do. You know the funny thing? There was a point where I could see myself marrying her, and being happy. (funny thing about that, I didn't actually like when I thought like that). But now, I am fairly certain that I wouldn't be happy. I guess we just don't have compatible personality types or something. But, I really wish I could have my friend back.

The second thing doesn't seem like that big of a deal anymore after writing that, but I probably should still get it off my chest. I have this other friend, and I am starting to get the feeling that she may like me. Which sucks, cause it's confusing me about my feelings. And I honestly don't have time for it. I'm trying to ready myself for a mission in a year, and I can't let myself be distracted by girls. And there's other things there too, which makes me not feel too comfortable with anything going on between us. Don't get me wrong, she's an amazing girl and everything, it's just I can't do that to people. And I feel bad, cause I think I may be leading her on a little bit, but I really have no idea. I have absolutely no idea about anything when it comes to girls. I mean, I didn't really have a friend that was a girl until 10th grade. My first crush was the third to last day of 6th grade. I'm a novice at this. I have no idea what I'm doing. And I don't want to hurt anyone here. And I get the feeling that it really isn't 'real' per se, just because I feel like it may be Satan warping emotions here to try and distract me from a mission.

Man. Girls are ridiculous. There are times when I quite honestly wish I could say that I hated them. But I can't. Girls, can't live with them, can't live without them.

And I'm sure nothing will change after my mission.

Stormy thoughts

I just want to warn you that this is going to be a big rant (at least that's how it seems in my head)

I have so much going on. I just feel like my grasp on life and reality is slipping. I'm drowning myself in guilt and self loathing. I've messed up pretty badly, and I keep messing up. No matter what steps forward I keep sliding back. And I hate it, and myself, for it. I just wish I could go back to my twelve-year-old self and warn him. I wish I could back and change it so it would never had happened. Because I can trace a good majority of my issues back to that. And I just want to change.

I honestly hate how lonely I feel. I really wish I was the kind of person that didn't have walls built up around him. I really just don't like help, and I have trouble trusting people, and having the courage to tell people. I just can't talk to people like that. I'm great at listening to that, but I can't do the talking there. And I hate sometimes, cause I feel like that's what I need, but I know I won't be able to do it.

I really just wish I could pull myself through, change, and be able to forgive myself. The only thing I can see helping me is knowing: a) I haven't been struck down yet, so obviously God thinks I can keep going b) the only consistency in life is change, and so I'll be able to change if I keep working, and c) if I make it and do change, and am forgiven by God, knowing God, someone who is perfect can forgive me, will help me work through forgiving myself.

I hate how hopeless I am, and how hopeless I feel. I just need to pull myself together.
I just feel so alone. And it's a self inflicted loneliness.
I just want to be happy.

Short one

So, what I have to say right now is pretty short, but it's what's on my mind. So, I'm trying to stop using twitter, so I'm trying my hardest not to look at it, I've deleted the app, so I'm trying my best. Not doing the greatest, but whatever.

But I realized just recently there will be at least one thing that I will miss about it. And that's Kara, because I hardly ever see her, so I have no idea what goes on in her life, and that just kinda widens the gap a little. But, it gives me an excuse to talk to her or hang out with her a little more often, yes? ;) Haha, whatever. All things will work out. Twitter isn't even that great anyways. I realized last night that I felt disconnected from everybody because of no more twitter, but then I realized twitter has a way of making you feel connected when your still disconnected. So without twitter, I'm not fooling my emotions and tricking myself into feeling one thing while experiencing the opposite. It helps make me more me, and makes me be more true to myself. Make sense?

Well, that's all I really have to say today, so coo coo cachoo :)

I'm not very good at titles :\

First off, I just want to apologize for always complaining. My life really is good, I just don't have really any other place I feel comfortable saying some of these things, and I just need to get them off of my chest every once in awhile, ya know?

Ever feel like you just don't belong somewhere? Like your there, but you shouldn't be? Cause that's how I feel a bunch of the time in band-especially in jazz band. Cause I just sit there surround by a bunch of musicians and people who can, and are good at, play(ing) music. And I'm there sucking it up, just trying to play the notes. And then even when we're not playing music, I still don't feel like I belong. I don't know. I'm just no good at talking to or interacting with people. A thought I had today was "I'm not cut out for being a teenager. I'm too old and too young for that". I don't really know how else to describe it.

I hate how lonely I feel. I just feel the need to have someone to talk to, someone I can trust and rely on, but there's nobody there. Cause I care too much about what some of my friends think of me, and I don't trust people to begin with. And this feeling of loneliness is one I'm sure I'll have to deal with for a long time, because the chances of me ever finding a girl that actually likes me, and one I don't completely screw my chances up with, are quite slim. And when I think about it for too long, it really messes up my mentality and logicalness.

I hate how I feel like I'm loosing my friendship with one of my good friends. And it's because I'm dumb, and I think too hard about things, and then I do stupid things. And I hate it. But I can't help how I automatically react inside. I guess there's a benefit of me getting rid of my twitter, cause I can't see what they say, and I have one less outlet to say stupid things that I'm feeling at the time. I don't what I'm supposed to do with them. I feel the need to apologize, but I'm not exactly sure what for. And I'm not sure if they would understand. Or if I would have the guts to explain myself to them. I don't man. I just keep messing things up I think, cause I tend to ignore people when I'm in a crappy mood. And its happening a lot more, especially because of them. And so I tend to ignore them as a way to shield myself, and I can tell its pushing us apart. But I'm just a big dummy, so what do I know? I mean, I can't even carry on a simple texting conversation with them. Maybe it's just meant to never happen. It might just be a friendship that will disappear after graduation, like every single other one of my friendships, because I'm a big fat dummy. Man, I shouldn't be thinking this hard about these things.

On the bright side, I got a clarinet for Christmas, so that's fun :)