I'm not very good at titles :\

First off, I just want to apologize for always complaining. My life really is good, I just don't have really any other place I feel comfortable saying some of these things, and I just need to get them off of my chest every once in awhile, ya know?

Ever feel like you just don't belong somewhere? Like your there, but you shouldn't be? Cause that's how I feel a bunch of the time in band-especially in jazz band. Cause I just sit there surround by a bunch of musicians and people who can, and are good at, play(ing) music. And I'm there sucking it up, just trying to play the notes. And then even when we're not playing music, I still don't feel like I belong. I don't know. I'm just no good at talking to or interacting with people. A thought I had today was "I'm not cut out for being a teenager. I'm too old and too young for that". I don't really know how else to describe it.

I hate how lonely I feel. I just feel the need to have someone to talk to, someone I can trust and rely on, but there's nobody there. Cause I care too much about what some of my friends think of me, and I don't trust people to begin with. And this feeling of loneliness is one I'm sure I'll have to deal with for a long time, because the chances of me ever finding a girl that actually likes me, and one I don't completely screw my chances up with, are quite slim. And when I think about it for too long, it really messes up my mentality and logicalness.

I hate how I feel like I'm loosing my friendship with one of my good friends. And it's because I'm dumb, and I think too hard about things, and then I do stupid things. And I hate it. But I can't help how I automatically react inside. I guess there's a benefit of me getting rid of my twitter, cause I can't see what they say, and I have one less outlet to say stupid things that I'm feeling at the time. I don't what I'm supposed to do with them. I feel the need to apologize, but I'm not exactly sure what for. And I'm not sure if they would understand. Or if I would have the guts to explain myself to them. I don't man. I just keep messing things up I think, cause I tend to ignore people when I'm in a crappy mood. And its happening a lot more, especially because of them. And so I tend to ignore them as a way to shield myself, and I can tell its pushing us apart. But I'm just a big dummy, so what do I know? I mean, I can't even carry on a simple texting conversation with them. Maybe it's just meant to never happen. It might just be a friendship that will disappear after graduation, like every single other one of my friendships, because I'm a big fat dummy. Man, I shouldn't be thinking this hard about these things.

On the bright side, I got a clarinet for Christmas, so that's fun :)