I don't really know how to start this or anything, so I'm just gonna dive in and hopefully it can make some sense.
So in my last post (Nice to get this off my chest) I mentioned that I felt like one of my friends was starting to like me. Well, I'm pretty sure she does. And I'm pretty sure I like her. And that sucks. I feel like it's only a matter of time till she tells me, or we actually talk about it, or whatever. And I'm scared because I'm going to have to tell her that, though I really do like her, I don't want to go out with her. I really don't want a girlfriend right now. I don't want to have a girl at home that feels expected to wait for me while I'm on my mission, and I don't want a 'Dear John' letter. If a girl waits for me, that's fine. But I don't want to leave knowing there's a girl waiting for me, you know? And she's one of my best friends, and was before this whole emotion/feeling fiasco deal thing. And I really don't want to risk that friendship. I've said it before, and I'll say it again, I'd rather have a friendship that lasts forever than a temporary relationship. There's no way I'm getting married instead of going on a mission, so I don't really see the point of have a girlfriend. But the problem is, that's what I feel is what I have to do. Yeah, at the time of that conversation, I may very well want to, but I can't. I can't let myself do that. And I'm scared it might hurt her a little bit. I'm sure she'd understand, but understanding something doesn't make the pain go away. Don't get me wrong, I love talking to her all the time, but I really wish I didn't have to deal with it.
And something that makes it worse, I guess, is it's not really true. It might be actually. But, this could very well be a tool of Satan to try and stop me from a mission. And I hate thinking that.
Blah.
Blah.
Meh... girls. I wish I had words that would accurately describe how I'm feeling. But, I'm not the best at doing that. I don't even really know how I'm feeling.
Girls are dumb.
Boys are dumb.
Girls are dumb.
Monday, March 25, 2013
Monday, March 4, 2013
Nice to get this off my chest
I feel kinda bad for seemingly always complaining on here, this is just where I turn to when I have no where else to go.
So, there are two things really that I just need to get off my chest. I have a feeling that they'll be long, but they have a habit of being shorter than I expect. So, here goes.
So I have this friend. And I have the feeling that they hate me now. And it's fairly supported, cause they've told me that I've done things to belittle their ideas and things they've said when we're face to face. I have never intentionally done that, and so I asked what I did wrong so I could make sure that I didn't do it again. But, they wouldn't tell me. This was last Friday. Friday night, and a good majority of Saturday I was making myself sick just thinking about it. But there's nothing I can do. They used to be one of my best friends. And now, I would say it would be quite lucky if we were still friends after graduation. And I hate how it's just slipping away, and there's nothing I can do. You know the funny thing? There was a point where I could see myself marrying her, and being happy. (funny thing about that, I didn't actually like when I thought like that). But now, I am fairly certain that I wouldn't be happy. I guess we just don't have compatible personality types or something. But, I really wish I could have my friend back.
The second thing doesn't seem like that big of a deal anymore after writing that, but I probably should still get it off my chest. I have this other friend, and I am starting to get the feeling that she may like me. Which sucks, cause it's confusing me about my feelings. And I honestly don't have time for it. I'm trying to ready myself for a mission in a year, and I can't let myself be distracted by girls. And there's other things there too, which makes me not feel too comfortable with anything going on between us. Don't get me wrong, she's an amazing girl and everything, it's just I can't do that to people. And I feel bad, cause I think I may be leading her on a little bit, but I really have no idea. I have absolutely no idea about anything when it comes to girls. I mean, I didn't really have a friend that was a girl until 10th grade. My first crush was the third to last day of 6th grade. I'm a novice at this. I have no idea what I'm doing. And I don't want to hurt anyone here. And I get the feeling that it really isn't 'real' per se, just because I feel like it may be Satan warping emotions here to try and distract me from a mission.
Man. Girls are ridiculous. There are times when I quite honestly wish I could say that I hated them. But I can't. Girls, can't live with them, can't live without them.
And I'm sure nothing will change after my mission.
So, there are two things really that I just need to get off my chest. I have a feeling that they'll be long, but they have a habit of being shorter than I expect. So, here goes.
So I have this friend. And I have the feeling that they hate me now. And it's fairly supported, cause they've told me that I've done things to belittle their ideas and things they've said when we're face to face. I have never intentionally done that, and so I asked what I did wrong so I could make sure that I didn't do it again. But, they wouldn't tell me. This was last Friday. Friday night, and a good majority of Saturday I was making myself sick just thinking about it. But there's nothing I can do. They used to be one of my best friends. And now, I would say it would be quite lucky if we were still friends after graduation. And I hate how it's just slipping away, and there's nothing I can do. You know the funny thing? There was a point where I could see myself marrying her, and being happy. (funny thing about that, I didn't actually like when I thought like that). But now, I am fairly certain that I wouldn't be happy. I guess we just don't have compatible personality types or something. But, I really wish I could have my friend back.
The second thing doesn't seem like that big of a deal anymore after writing that, but I probably should still get it off my chest. I have this other friend, and I am starting to get the feeling that she may like me. Which sucks, cause it's confusing me about my feelings. And I honestly don't have time for it. I'm trying to ready myself for a mission in a year, and I can't let myself be distracted by girls. And there's other things there too, which makes me not feel too comfortable with anything going on between us. Don't get me wrong, she's an amazing girl and everything, it's just I can't do that to people. And I feel bad, cause I think I may be leading her on a little bit, but I really have no idea. I have absolutely no idea about anything when it comes to girls. I mean, I didn't really have a friend that was a girl until 10th grade. My first crush was the third to last day of 6th grade. I'm a novice at this. I have no idea what I'm doing. And I don't want to hurt anyone here. And I get the feeling that it really isn't 'real' per se, just because I feel like it may be Satan warping emotions here to try and distract me from a mission.
Man. Girls are ridiculous. There are times when I quite honestly wish I could say that I hated them. But I can't. Girls, can't live with them, can't live without them.
And I'm sure nothing will change after my mission.
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