Stormy thoughts

I just want to warn you that this is going to be a big rant (at least that's how it seems in my head)

I have so much going on. I just feel like my grasp on life and reality is slipping. I'm drowning myself in guilt and self loathing. I've messed up pretty badly, and I keep messing up. No matter what steps forward I keep sliding back. And I hate it, and myself, for it. I just wish I could go back to my twelve-year-old self and warn him. I wish I could back and change it so it would never had happened. Because I can trace a good majority of my issues back to that. And I just want to change.

I honestly hate how lonely I feel. I really wish I was the kind of person that didn't have walls built up around him. I really just don't like help, and I have trouble trusting people, and having the courage to tell people. I just can't talk to people like that. I'm great at listening to that, but I can't do the talking there. And I hate sometimes, cause I feel like that's what I need, but I know I won't be able to do it.

I really just wish I could pull myself through, change, and be able to forgive myself. The only thing I can see helping me is knowing: a) I haven't been struck down yet, so obviously God thinks I can keep going b) the only consistency in life is change, and so I'll be able to change if I keep working, and c) if I make it and do change, and am forgiven by God, knowing God, someone who is perfect can forgive me, will help me work through forgiving myself.

I hate how hopeless I am, and how hopeless I feel. I just need to pull myself together.
I just feel so alone. And it's a self inflicted loneliness.
I just want to be happy.

Short one

So, what I have to say right now is pretty short, but it's what's on my mind. So, I'm trying to stop using twitter, so I'm trying my hardest not to look at it, I've deleted the app, so I'm trying my best. Not doing the greatest, but whatever.

But I realized just recently there will be at least one thing that I will miss about it. And that's Kara, because I hardly ever see her, so I have no idea what goes on in her life, and that just kinda widens the gap a little. But, it gives me an excuse to talk to her or hang out with her a little more often, yes? ;) Haha, whatever. All things will work out. Twitter isn't even that great anyways. I realized last night that I felt disconnected from everybody because of no more twitter, but then I realized twitter has a way of making you feel connected when your still disconnected. So without twitter, I'm not fooling my emotions and tricking myself into feeling one thing while experiencing the opposite. It helps make me more me, and makes me be more true to myself. Make sense?

Well, that's all I really have to say today, so coo coo cachoo :)

I'm not very good at titles :\

First off, I just want to apologize for always complaining. My life really is good, I just don't have really any other place I feel comfortable saying some of these things, and I just need to get them off of my chest every once in awhile, ya know?

Ever feel like you just don't belong somewhere? Like your there, but you shouldn't be? Cause that's how I feel a bunch of the time in band-especially in jazz band. Cause I just sit there surround by a bunch of musicians and people who can, and are good at, play(ing) music. And I'm there sucking it up, just trying to play the notes. And then even when we're not playing music, I still don't feel like I belong. I don't know. I'm just no good at talking to or interacting with people. A thought I had today was "I'm not cut out for being a teenager. I'm too old and too young for that". I don't really know how else to describe it.

I hate how lonely I feel. I just feel the need to have someone to talk to, someone I can trust and rely on, but there's nobody there. Cause I care too much about what some of my friends think of me, and I don't trust people to begin with. And this feeling of loneliness is one I'm sure I'll have to deal with for a long time, because the chances of me ever finding a girl that actually likes me, and one I don't completely screw my chances up with, are quite slim. And when I think about it for too long, it really messes up my mentality and logicalness.

I hate how I feel like I'm loosing my friendship with one of my good friends. And it's because I'm dumb, and I think too hard about things, and then I do stupid things. And I hate it. But I can't help how I automatically react inside. I guess there's a benefit of me getting rid of my twitter, cause I can't see what they say, and I have one less outlet to say stupid things that I'm feeling at the time. I don't what I'm supposed to do with them. I feel the need to apologize, but I'm not exactly sure what for. And I'm not sure if they would understand. Or if I would have the guts to explain myself to them. I don't man. I just keep messing things up I think, cause I tend to ignore people when I'm in a crappy mood. And its happening a lot more, especially because of them. And so I tend to ignore them as a way to shield myself, and I can tell its pushing us apart. But I'm just a big dummy, so what do I know? I mean, I can't even carry on a simple texting conversation with them. Maybe it's just meant to never happen. It might just be a friendship that will disappear after graduation, like every single other one of my friendships, because I'm a big fat dummy. Man, I shouldn't be thinking this hard about these things.

On the bright side, I got a clarinet for Christmas, so that's fun :)